Why me.

I was talking with Mr Dan last night.  He asked me about my jobs I've just applied for.  We talked a bit and I told him about the fact I wasn't sure if I was applying because it's the right thing to do or I'm applying because this has given me an opportunity to run away from everything.

As I see it where I am now, work has offered me a lot of support through my depression and seeking help.  S has opened me up to friendship and what friendship means and through that I have developed more friends and am a more sociable person. I am on the waiting list for therapy. I am doing an okay job at work.  I have an expendable income and can afford sudden weekends away (or as I did last year a sudden week away).  However, sometimes all of this freaks me out because it's not who I've been in the past.  I have been someone who hides away from the world and finds comfort in the internet, movies and TV shows.  I do things that are for me and me alone.  Things that one takes one person to do.  I have never been a social person, and now that social door has  been opened, I don't want to shut it (even if I do verge on panic attacks sometimes).  I have to admit I enjoy being social.

To start all this process over again, I'm not sure I have the energy to do that. I really don't.

So am I running away because all this stuff that's happened for me freaks me out to the point I don't sleep some nights.

Then a day like today happens.  I am managing my project.  It means a lot to me and I work hard at it.  I'm not perfect but I try. I've pretty much been left to my own devices and report to the appropriate people and ask question or queries to SM my then manager.  Then we got an Ops Manager (OM).  I had my concerns when she joined, particularly about all the time she would spend with my co-worker (CW) and her complete and utter unprofessionalism.  I want to feel that my project is supported, which I've never felt like.  Everyone just gets reports from me, tells me what to do when things go wrong and that's really when anyone really cares, when things go wrong.  I got use to it.  Now we have OM.  She is trying to micro-manage me and it is driving me crazy, especially when I have SM still asking me do things and asking me things.  So my time and energy is being wasted whilst they both ask me the same thing, and I have to show them what I'm doing.

I'm also trying to get my job title changed since 'youth worker' does not describe accurately what I do.  However, a student we have working with us this work, asked what my job title was.  We've never really come up with anything so SM said put 'Youth Work Co-ordinator'.  My heart just sank.  This is the title they gave to my ex-coworker (who left before he got fired) when he went from full time to part time. To me it would be like a demotion.  Nothing I've said to them means anything. Nothing I do means anything to them.

My project means nothing to them.

The work I do means nothing to them.

I mean nothing to them.

I'm glad I've applied for two other jobs.  The cons for this job are forever growing and I'm fed up of being in a job that I get frustrated with and beginning to really hate those around me.

I feel that sometimes I'm being a bit harsh, but I can't help my feelings. Something I've learnt is that I can't negate my feelings and pretend that they aren't there, regardless of how bizzare they might be. 

Perhaps I'm just looking for excuses to be able to run away and take a new job.  I've not even been offered an interview yet, so all this could just be academic.

For the first time in a while I really want to cut.  I'm not sure I have the will power not to though. Is it better to cut than 'The Concotion' though. Although if I took The Concoction I'm not sure I could stop.  I want to obliterate this feeling.

I really wish I was seeing my CPN this week.  I don't have an appointment until next week.
 

tags: freakout  flatmate  feelings  depression  cutting  work  selfharm  personal  fuck  frustration  anger  cmht  failed