- 4 yrs 12 wks 0 days old
- Updated: 23 Jul 2008
- 812 entries
- 1,306 comments
Make me money
What an amazing night!
I still don't feel fantastic and I still prefer to be on my own than around people. Yesterday though I had organised a group of six of us to attend a quiz at my church. S and N came, my friend H and V and V's husband. I stayed in bed until three really not wanting to get out of bed, but knowing I couldn't get out of last night I got out of bed and had a shower and decided to pamper myself to that I could pretend that I felt good about myself and perhaps just give me the energy I needed to get through the night. As I was in Mass I prayed that God could make the night special and that I could enjoy it and that it wouldn't take too much out of me. I wanted to enjoy myself I really did but the closer it came the more I didn't want to be there.
H was the first to turn up, then V and her husband, then S and N. S sat next to me. From the word go I had the most amazing time. S and I were in our zone and just had a whale of the time. It made me realise just how much I am infatuated with him. To see him he took my breath away. Sitting close to him I could smell his smell (I have yet to work out what it is!), my heart kept skipping beats. He was teasing me and giving me a hard time about some things, he made me laugh to the point I could barely breathe. We had so much fun. He was giving me a lot of attention, and I was so enjoying it.
Then last night after I went to bed and fell asleep, I had a dream. S and I were on a plane together going on a trip. We had to sleep, so we raised the arm rest between us, I laid into him and with our hands entwined we fell asleep. I can feel him fingers between mine still, I can feel him arms around me. I was just so happy and so relaxed safe in the knowledge that he was mine and I was his. I wasn't scared of this thought; I was just happy and content. Somewhere though I knew this was a dream but I stayed where I did not want to change where I was. S talked to me, I talked back, and we laughed and had fun. Then the plane started to shake, we landed but we could see from the plane window another plane that was on fire and firemen trying to put it out. I held on to S as I could see people still trapped in the burning plane. I hid into him trying to take the images from my mind. He put his arm around me and held me, stroking my hair. Then I heard an explosion, I looked out the window and one of the fire trucks had exploded and I could hear the fireman scream. I started screaming, how unfair it was. I had been so happy, why couldn't I stay where I was. I was content. I didn't need to wake up and kill what I had. Just leave me as I was.
I woke up at that point, it was 11am and I'd been a sleep for 11 hours. My eyes were actually wet. I want S, I really do but I also know that I have nothing to offer him. I am a screwed up individual who has nothing positive to offer anyone, I can barely cope with my own issues and my own life, I am a self-harmer, a manic depressive with self esteem issues who has nothing to offer anyone. What could I offer S even if we did get together. I have nothing anyone would want. I could be there for someone, how can I share my life with someone when I’m not sure I want to share my life. I just wish I could just get rid of my infatuation with this man so I did feel like this anymore. Cupid stay away from me, I have nothing to offer anyone!
It is always nice to read about your nice feelings and good mood :)
However, Spike I must write that I can't totally agree with you that as you
wrote: "I am a screwed up individual who has nothing positive to offer
anyone, I can barely cope with my own issues and my own life, I am a
self-harmer, a manic depressive with self esteem issues who has nothing to
offer anyone." Nowadays almost each of us lives with depression, you are
not the only one. I have also been on antidepressants since December,
sometimes I also feel really bad and think of myself like even worse than
the dust but then I realise that there are some people around me for whom I
am important too. They help me a lot even though we haven't met in person
yet for example our beloved Darwin. Every time we talk or write to each
other it helps me a lot and his great friendship and good word is much more
worth for me than any treasures or anything else. What I want to say is
that there is something you can give others not nothing but something much
more precious. However, the problem is that it is hidden deep inside you.
Spike you are a very good human being, a very sensitive, honest and warm
person and very often your good word or smile or even sharing such moments
with others like last Sunday mean a lot. Your true friends doesn't want
from you anything but being near you, talking to you and sharing good and
bad moments of life. And there is so much of those things deep inside you
:) all you have to do is only break up and take it out from the hidden,
locked place :) I wish you all the best and remember that even we don't
know much each other I really care of you and like you very much :)
Oh, thank you Elizabeth. :)
With Elizabeth, I think that you, Spike, are the only person in the world
who can offer Spike. And this is not a phrase by Sloganizer. I am just an
online friend in another continent and even thus, I have received a lot
from you, for example in terms of trust and communication skills, and of
original logical and intelligent thinking, and of courage, and of course in
terms of fun too. I am sure S can also see that you have a lot to offer
too!
*hugs to both of you*
Dreams tells us a lot about ourselves and often have messages for you on
several levels. Your self esteem issues are what you need to work on
first, in order to make any relationship work. You have to find a way to
love you just as you are. THEN, improve on that relationship with self by
doing the things that make you feel better about you.
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