What a day!

I had a meeting with M & N (does that sound like it should be a sweet or what!) his afternoon.  We talked about a whole range of things from what I've been doing to myself, how I'm feeling and what can be done.  This really came about because I broke down to N the other Tueday.  Yesterday there was a meeting at work and I felt like one of the trustee's was blaming me personally for the lack of sucess in certain areas of the youth side.  After the meeting I went home and I cried and cried and cried.  I was in bits.  Later in the day H phoned me to see if I was okay.  I said yes I'm fine, she sort of humed and I said No I wasn't.  She told me she knew I wasn't.  Then I said I need to talk to her about some stuff could we talk tomorrow (which is  now today), and I asked if N could come as well.  So today was the meeting.  I didn't cry.  Not really.  I had tears, my eyes watered but I wouldn't say I cried per say.  I'm still freaking out because of that meeting.  I still don't know if I did the right thing or not.

I am now meeting with both N and M on we weekly (more or less) basis to try and un pack what's going on in my head because even I'm not too sure what is going on in my head, all I know is I can't keep carring on the way I am because I am driving myself nuts, stressing out about everything.  Hopefully with the three of us trying to unpack my head and trying to come to ways of dealing with it all I should get better slowly.  I need to start enjoying my job again.  I have to stop taking things so personally.

I also know that there is a strong chance that I will feel worse before I feel better but that's a risk I need to take if I want things to improve.  I am on a whole new journey, I just pray I'm strong enough to cope with it all.  At the moment though I feel like I'm on the same old merry-go-round and things are not going to get better, but I have to trust they will. At least I pray they will! 

tags: update  work  personal  frustration  

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