Time passes

I've been thinking about this for a wee while and it was Mr Dan's latest post that really got be thinking and really made me want to write something.

In the past this blog has really been about me having an outlet for all the negative crap in my life.  It was also a way of me admiting just how screwed up I was and what I was doing to myself.

The past few years have been extremely hard on me as I started to experience things that I didn't recognise, feelings that I didn't feel like I had the right to feel, and some feelings I wasn't too sure what they were.  This blog is a testament to what has gone on before, but I also want this blog to be a testament to the journey that I am on.  What is happening now and what will happen in the future.  This blog will be a celebration of my life as well as the not so great parts in my life.

So how have I changed.

I have changed in the fact that since April I have not got stoned, I have not cut and I've not wanted to cut.  I have wanted to get stoned and I didn't.  I fought the urge and decided to do something different with that feeling rather than getting stoned.  I started looking and applying for a new job.  I am also more sociable now, and doing things such as volunteering, I'm going to get more involved with my local parish, I am doing am-dram.  I am admitting my feelings to myself even if they are negative feelings that I am scared off.  I am making more of an effort to get to know people and to keep friendships alive, talking to people, arranging social times.  I am also spending time doing things I want to do like a creative writing course, I'm working on the books that I have ideas for.  There are three of them at the moment.

I am trying to be a more positve person even when things are tough and I want to give up, I look around and see the positive that are going on and concentrate on that.   I feel more content within myself.  I no longer want to cry constantly, I don't want to spend my entire life in bed.  I want to live my life, I want to engage with life.  In fact I feel like I have wasted my life and this is not something I want to do anymore.

However I am under no illusions that I am a depressive and will be all my life.  The skill is all about how I deal with this.  With how I live my life even if I am depressed.  I have to acknowledge this and not allow it to rule me.  This is not easy and I will find times where this will be challenging and sometimes maybe it will win for a short period of time.  But I know what if feels like to live life, I know what if feels like to have friends and people who care, I know what it feels like to engage with my life and those around me.  I want to do this more often, and I want this to carry on happening.

tags: depression  feelings  personal  therapy  update  writings