This morning.

It's a bit of a big day for me today.  A day where good things could happen but equally bad things can happen.  Let me explain.  With everything that's happening with me attempting to go back on antidepressants and being referred to the mental health team, I decided that I needed to tell my flat mates what was happening so if nothing else they could understand my irrational behaviour and moods.  So I wrote a letter, I opened my heart and wrote honestly about things that were happening to be and, if they were up for it, what I needed from them to help me through all this.  I got M to read it over for me and help me change anything that didn't sound right.  She read it and other than typos it was fine, so last night I wrote it up.  I have written the letter individually for both the boys.  I put it in an envelop and put it under their doors.  I deliberately pushed it too far under so that I couldn't attempt to pull it back out if I chicken out. I've felt like this twice now! 

I know I’m doing the right thing, if nothing else these boys who have been wonderful deserve to know the truth, but I’m also asking of them an awful lot.  To support me during this time.  I know I’m not a nice person when I’m like this, I am irrational, I can be mean especially to those I’m close to. I’m scare about what they will think of me, I am scared that things will change for the worse, but most of all I’m horrified at the scenarios that are playing out in my head.  The negative voice has taken over and it’s just going from bad to worse.  I know it… I hope it’s not going to bad as it is in my head, I just don’t think the boys are like that, but it’s a huge think to ask of two people I have known for less than a year.  It’s not like we were three friends who decided to live together, in fact we are just three strangers who ended up living together.  This is not what they signed up to, nothing at all.  I really wish I could get the letter and pretend that this wasn’t happening, but I know I can’t.  As I said in the letter, I can’t do this alone, I need friends around me right now.  The problem is I’m not sure who I can trust with this and who I can’t.  M, L, S and N will be the only one’s at the moment.  None of my family will know, not yet at least and that’s the way I want it.

God I’m so scared.

This morning to take my mind of things I went out and bought some clothes with the money my mother gave me this morning.  It felt good.  I tried on some 12’s and although they were a little tight (too tight for me to buy) I could actually put them on and do them up, something I’ve not managed to do since pre-puberty.  I was seriously chuffed to bits.  Although I have bought things that are 12-14s, at least it’s not 14-16.  I don’t think any of my new clothes have 16 in them at all!!!!!  I like this weight loss even it I’ve done it the wrong way!  It was nice to go out and spend a bit of time focused on me in a good way.  I went with a friend of mine and her 14 month old son.  I had such a great time, it was brilliant.  We had lunh at McDonalds, even if I couldn't eat all of it, I did eat about half of it.  Not bad, although that's all I'll eat today, perhaps an apple later.

I’m not going back on antidepressants until my doctors find my notes, there is no way I am going through the experiment of finding pills that work again.  After the weekend I had, I’m not putting myself through that again.  All this stuff is hard enough to deal with without pills making it worse!

tags: depression  flatmates  feelings  fears  upgrade  personal  

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