The Aftermath

So I did keep my appointment.  It was a woman who basically just took my life history!  One thing that this meeting showed me, I was right, this is going to screw up my life.  She was taking my life history and every now and then she would give me this look as if you say 'you poor thing, you really are a looser'.  It was hard enough to go to this meeting without her deciding that I was indeed screwed.  Her look and the sound of her voice and some of the things she said have been going around and around my head for the day.  It's driving me nuts.  I wanted to tell her to go screw herself and walk out but I couldn't.  I don't know why.  Instead I stayed there, feeling shitter by the minute and becoming more and more annoyed at myself that I didn't walk out.  At one point she asked me if I was single, I said yes, she asked when was the last time I had a relationship, I told her when I was 18.  Oh why's that she asked.  I told her that I just couldn't find someone.  She then said that a young pretty thing like me shouldn't be single.  Great, another person who's going to be pushing me to get myself into a relationship.  What is it about the world and getting people into a relationship.  Yes I do have feeling for people but I know they will never work out and I know that they just don't feel the same way I do.  So what's the point of putting myself through all of that?  I know that all this is not meant to be easy and I will probably have to hear things I don't want to hear.  I really want to talk to The Boys or L or M but I can't, I don't know where to begin, I can't even really describe why I feel like this or what is making me feel so bad, but I do.  Anyway this lady has to write up a report then 'the team' look over it and make a decision about what they are going to do with me.  She actually asked me why I was depressed after all I have everything going for me!  I really don't like this woman!

To try and calm my head down I went for a long walk, around two hours, until the sunset.  It felt good just listening to MCR and walking in circles.  I walked and walked and walked I must have done five or six laps.  Eventually I had to sit down because the world started swimming, I don't know why but it was very unnerving, so I sat down until the world stood still then very slowly I walked back to the flat as my feet really were not going to behave themselves, which is very annoying.  It seamed to take me ages to walk to the flat.

The Boys are watching James Bond, I've left them to it, I really can't cope with company tonight in case they ask questions, I can't face questions.  So I'm hiding out.  I am tired because of the walk, my back is killing me so I've had a really hot shower, I'm now listening to The Geoff Show and working on my novel, as tired as I am I'm not ready to sleep yet.  All I really want to do though is sit downstairs watching Bond and say there with people around me.

tags: flatmates  depression  

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