That got me thinking

"I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice."

A blog I regularly read, annie , wrote an interesting piece recently.  She wrote about how she views herself in relation to how she thought other people saw her.

I do the exact same thing, the most recent time is with S. I think part of the reason I don't tell people what's going on in my head is because I don't want to impose my troubles on people.  Especially as I feel the things I struggle with are really pathetic and no one in their right mind wants to listen to these problems.  I am not the sort of person to have friends or people who want to spend time with me. 

I  wanted to say all sorts to annie to make her feel better, to show her that things are not as bad as she thinks but what right do I have to do that.  I feel the exact same way as she does, the things I would tell her are things I should be believing, but I don't.

I am a youth worker, my job is to help young people discover who they are, what their talents are and to instil in them self worth and positive self esteem.  How can I do that since I don't own those things? How can I do anything positive with my life, or help anyone else be positive when that's the last thing I can do for myself.

I can't ask S out because I know he's only going to say no.  He likes me as a friend but that's as far as our relationship will ever go, regardless of my feelings.  Why should I set myself up for that sort of heartache?  How can I ask him out when I am such an emotional mess?  Is it far on S for us to go out when I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with a relationship?  It's been so long that I don't know what the rules are.  When can you hold hands? When can you kiss? How touchy feel can you be? When can you get hugs? When can you give hugs?.... my mind is such a mess I don't think it's fair that I subjugate to that sort of mess.

Like Annie, I believe that I should not inflict people with my awkwardness and my screwedupness. This is part of the reason I am still single and why I'm turning into a hermit.  I will only socialise or talk to people when I feel strong enough.  Lately that's not been that often.  I am destined to grow old alone, I am not destined to have a family of my own.  Lonely and alone is what I am, and what I will always be.

I know that I'm obsessing over S at the moment, he consume my thoughts more than anything else in my life.  I know I have to do something about it.  I know I need to ask him out so that I can either date him (unlikely) or start working him out of my system.  This whole limbo thing is not good, I need to get out of it.  I either have a relationship with him or I don't.  I just wish I knew how he feels about me without setting myself up for heartache.
 

tags: feelings  failed  flatmate  personal  

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