Thank you for that.

"And believe me I did not want that because I had a good life before you.
Well, not good... but... it was okay.
Well... it was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was.
Where as now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am.
Thank you for that."

Paula: Failure to Launch

Life is just so funny. You think that you have it all worked out and then something comes a long and completely changes everything that you know.

It's unfair when this happens because it usually means your world has been turned upside down inside out. Confuses you so much you have no way to know what way is up or down, left or right so you struggle to find your equilibrium.

That's what's happened to me over the past twelve months. I was happy with my life. I like where it was going. I was content. Then one person entered my life and opened up a whole new world to me. A world which I had never dreamt of, a world I thought I would never know.

To begin with it scared me and all I wanted to do was to crawl back to the life I had known. When I did manage to crawl back I didn't like what I had any more, but the new life scared me to the point I could barely breath.

However this person walked me through and now because of this person I have a new life, a new world to explore. It is easy but I have started to become comfortable with it and I want to know it more.

I'll never tell this person what they have done for and to me. They wouldn't understand, but I'm glad this person came into my life. We may not keep in touch for the rest of our natural lives but I will never forget this person. They have shown me and taught me so much.

Now my life is turning into what it use to be and I hate it, I don't want it.  I don't want my old life any more.  I used to crave my own life, I knew the day would come when I would have to return to my old life and now the time has come I have to return to my old life I don't want it.  I don't like who I was, I don't like what I used to do.  I don't want that life any more but I don't know how to stop me getting that life.  Regardless what I try to do that life is hurtling towards me at a thousand miles an hour and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, I can do to stop it.  Why did he have to come into my life, why did he have to show my how crappy my life was, why couldn't he have just left me alone.  Perhaps if we had had a relationship then somehow this would have all been worth it.  Instead I now have someone who doesn't speak to me except if he wants his post or I ask him a direct question.  The worst part of all of this is that I still want him.  If he turned up on the doorstep tomorrow telling me how much he had missed me and that he wanted to give 'us' a go I would say yes.  No hesitation, no thinking.  I would just say yes and kiss him there and then.  Maybe let him bed me.  How pathetic is that?  

"I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride"

I can't decide: Scissor Sisters 

I hate him for what he's done to me. I hate him for coming into my life.  I hate him for the way he left my life.  I hate him for the mess he's left me in.  More though I hate myself for letting him do it to me. How can someone have that much of an impact on anyone.  How pathetic is it that someone allows another person to have that sort of power over them.  Someone once told me that someone could only make you feel bad if you gave them that sort of power, and it's true.  So I'm giving him that sort of power to make me hurt and I'm letting him.

What my minds keeps playing over and over is the fact of 'what is it about me that he couldn't stand', 'what is it about me that made him want to hurt me like that (and I don't mean not dating, I mean the way he moved out', 'what is it about me that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings', 'Am I that foul'. Somewhere inside me I'm sure it's not me, it's just we're not compatible but at the moment I feel ugly and vile.  Part of me really doesn't want to live.  I want to celebrate being single.. I keep telling people how much I love being single and how much I don't like the idea of being in a relationship.... however inside I want it, I do and I don't understand what it is about me that men dislike me so much.

I'm honestly beginning to believe that a relationship and I are just not meant to be and I think it's been hightlighted as much with everything that's happened with him.

I can only sleep now if I have taken a sleeping pill and even then it's only for about five or six hours and I don't dream.  I haven't dreamt in so long.

Why did he have to come into my life?  I hate him so much, as much as I'm infatuated with him. 

tags: flatmate  depression  feelings  frustration  anger  hate