Such a mix

I've been doing really well lately.  I have been putting my new coping mechanisms into place and I have been working really hard to keep myself on the right path.  I haven't cut since April and I've not gotten high since Jan or Feb.  This is extremely good for me, and shows how well I've been doing.  However things have gone a little strange today.

I woke up and things were find, there was nothing I need to worry about.  I feel a little lonely at times, but nothing horrendous.  I've even started to undertake a writing course so that I can try and improve my writing skills so I can get published and hopeful supliment my salary a bit.  I could do with a little more money occationally.  I'm looking forward to nurture my mediocre skills and perhaps tuning them into a useful skill.

I went to a meeting this morning, and walked out feeling very positive and briming with ideas.  When I got home I switched on my work mobile and there were five messages, four from one person who was desperate to try and get hold of me.  She wanted to warn me about a meeting I was going to this evening and how she believed that my preicesor was trying to cause me some problems.  She had, had a conversation with him and it had left a bad taste in her mouth.  So she called me to warn me.

I phoned my supervisor to talk things through.  He said all the right things and let me get things off my chest.  I felt so proud of myself as it meant that I had come off 'the map'  and try to deal with any problems I have constructively and in a way that was not going to be harming to myself.  I recognised my feelings, accepted them and did something about it.  I really felt like I had taken a step forward.

As the meeting approched I didn't feel quite so stabble, so I prayed to God and asked for the strength to make it through the meeting.  I went to the meeting and even wrote notes on what was physically happening to my body so I could write it in my book.  I kept it together during the meeting, managed to hold my tounge, didn't get angry.  Once again I felt quite proud.  All I actually wanted to do was shoot my preicessor and shout at everyone there.  A few things went my way, but the main thing that was really bugging me didn't and once again I was made to feel small.  He has this ability to make me feel as though everything I do is wrong, he destorys myself confidence and he makes me feel as though I'm 12 years old.  Now the management committee wants us to work together a little more.

I drove home, as I pulled into the drive way the tears fell.  I got in without my landlord seeing me.  To calm myself down I make a to do list for work and have been working for the past few hours.  However, before I could even think about it, I had taken four pain killers and a couple of shots of bacardi.  I'm now quite high and loving every second of it.  I don't regret what I have done.  In fact I could happily stay like this for the rest of my life.

I would really like to take more, until I pass out, but that's impossible with these pills.  I get high but never sleep.

I've let myself down.  I was doing so well.  I knew I would have set backs but I wish I had last a little longer.  Sometimes I wish I could tell me Mam about what I do.  I would even like to be able to talk to my sister about it.  This will never happen though.

It's been a strange day and tomorrow once I'm sober I will need to sort everything out and write about it all properly.  But right now I'm enjoying the artifical high.

tags: depression  feelings  work  pills  personal  selfharm  high