As If.......

it wasn't bad enough that I'm depressed

it wasn't bad enough that I hate my life

it wasn't bad enough that I have come to hate, resent and loathe my job

it wasn't bad enough that I tend to cut myself to cope

it wasn't bad enough  that I've written this post four times

it wasn't bad enough that I have feelings for someone that doesn't reciprocate

it wasn't bad enough that someone who has feelings for me, I can't reciprocate

it wasn't bad enough that because of my incompetence at work everyone could lose their jobs

it wasn't bad enough that I feel like a complete and utter failure

it wasn't bad enough that in a room full of people I know I can feel lonely and isolated

it wasn't bad enough that I'm losing control

it wasn't bad enough that everything positive I have shown the world is fake

it wasn't bad enough that I am spending money like there is no tomorrow

it wasn't bad enough that I wonder what it would be like to die 

it wasn't bad enough that my eating still isn't great and I can't maintain my weight

it wasn't bad enough that the I am wasting my life and I can't seam to stop

it wasn't bad enough that I look forward to sleeping and hate waking up

it wasn't bad enough that I wish I could tell someone how I really feel

it wasn’t bad enough that I can’t tell me Mam any of this

it wasn’t bad enough that nothing brings me joy any more

it wasn’t bad enough that I wish I could get rid of my emotions

it wasn't bad enough that all this is going on.... I've taken things to a whole new level

This bank holiday weekend was not good for me.  The sun was shining, I had the flat to myself and yet I did nothing baring watching a few films.  I didn't go for a walk, I didn't sit outside and enjoy the sunshine I stayed in my room either watching films or sleeping.  Even eating didn't really happen.  I tried to see people but everyone I know has a life and has people to spend time with.  As I said a post or two ago, it never really bothered me spending so much time alone, watching TV, watching films, being by myself.  Over the last year I got use to spending time with people and now I crave that and miss it when I don't have it. On top of that as shitty as I feel I can't bring myself to cut.  I don't know if it's to do with the weather being nice and it would look very suss if I wore long sleeves.  From the little sun bathing I’ve done today my scars are really noticeable.  But I digress, bank holiday was tough.  I couldn’t take being so alone.  I really couldn’t.  I tried to see people but everyone was busy so it was just me trying to waste time. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I did something in the evenings.  I didn’t cut, in a way I wish I had but it was something I couldn’t bring myself to do.  I couldn’t smoke, I didn’t want it.  So I did something I haven’t done in a very long time.  I was afraid to begin with but then as it took effect it and all my fear went away.  I forgot how great it made me feel and now I look forward to the weekend so I can start again.  The problem is that this is more dangerous than any of my other coping mechanisms.  If I get the proportions wrong I could end up very ill or dead.  This coping mechanism has a lot more connotations.

tags: depression  hate  selfharm  rant  feelings  fears  

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