updating in more ways than one.

So I have bought myself a one terabyte hard drive.  It's so niiiiice.  With it I decided to buy Windows Vista to see what it was like.  I put in my new hard drive, and put in the CD.  It started to install and then it got stuck.  So I tried again, same problem.  For what ever reason it decided it didn't want to install vista on my new, unused clean hard drive.  So I did some research to find out what the hell was going on.  After about 30 minutes of research I discovered that I had to disconnect my second used hard drive so it would install.  It was very annoying.  However everything is working, all is installed and I even have my msn and yim working, although they didn't manage to work on the first night.

My psychotherapy appointment got postponed until next Tuesday.  This has been both a blessing and a curse.  But I will start at the beginning and explain it all.

On Saturday my friend V and I went out for birthday drinks and I had a few to drink.  Now when I've been drinking I start talking, and I get very depressive which is why I don't drink all that often.   We ended up back at mine as we normally do and carried on drinking.  She knew about my appointment as asked me how I felt, I tried to put her off the topic, since it was her birthday and we should talk about good things.  However, she insisted on the topic so I told her that I was scared stiff about it all.  Then we talked about other things bothering me including my hated for H and how much I want to kill her, and the fact that I still blame myself 100% for the incident last summer.  I cried and got upset and she was there to comfort me.  I was shocked at the stuff I was saying about H.  I honestly thought I was beginning to get over this stuff. Cor was I ever wrong.  I had been lying to myself and denying how I was feeling.  On the Sunday I spent the day in bed, not because I was hung over but because I was so depressed and upset and just felt really shite that I just didn't bother getting out of bed because I didn't want to.  I did send an email to M and L to ask for help but also to let them know about how I felt about H and that could affect our working relationship.

Monday came, the day before my appointment and I was not ready to go, I didn't want to go.  I felt that it was all wrong and that this wasn't right for me. I felt that I had made the wrong choice and I no longer wanted the appointment.  I asked God for help and had a fretful night sleep.  The next day I received a phone call saying my appointment was postponed because my therapist couldn't get in... what ever that means. I felt that God was telling me that this was the wrong choice for me and that by canceling the appointment he was telling me not to go.

Today I was talking to M about all this, and she said that perhaps God was just giving me a little more time because Tuesday wasn't the right time for me because of all the stuff that surfaced on Saturday night and I still need to get my head around it.  She does have a point.  The appointment was only postponed, it's not like they permenatly canceled on me.  And I do need time to digest what I brought up on Saturday.  However, it means I have another week of fretting to go.

If it gets postponed again I think I'll just give up on it and have a re-think.  The Lord answers your prayers, you just need to be specific and you need to understand what it is that he's offering you.

tags: fears  upgrade  religion  life