My head is driving me nuts

My head is just full of negativity.  Where I got this from I'm really not sure.  I know that when it comes down to me and what I do and who I am I always criticize myself and question what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and just be very down on myself.  I can never seam to see the good in my life, oh I can point it out but I can’t be happy about it or feel content about anything.  Each time something happens and I have to deal with the consequences I never come up with good scenarios.  They are all negative.

For instance look at the letter I wrote to The Boys.  I put it under their doors and then went to work.  I then went to work but had to finish early, came home and bumped in to S.  Realising he hadn’t read the letter I talked to him for a while, then he went up to his room, which was my cue to run to my room and hide. I stayed in my room all night.  If I have to leave I listened to ensure no one was around outside and then did what I had to do, but I basically stated in my room.  I was out Wednesday and then yesterday I bumped into N.  We talked and he brought up the letter.  Now in my head The Boys have shouted at me, told me to fuck off, told me I’m on my own, given me a razor and told me why don’t I just end it all, told me to stop being such a pathetic bitch and get on with life and basically not wanting to be part of my support group.  N told me that he would support me as best he could be he didn’t really understand where I was coming from.  We talked a bit and I realised really quickly that he really, really didn’t understand anything and was confused about why I’m like this.  He did say however he appreciated the fact the letter was so honest and that he appreciated how hard the letter was to write, but he’s glad he knew.

Later on when I got back from my meeting I saw S.  Now he more than anything scares me because of how I feel towards him.  We sat in the front room talking and watching TV and neither one of us brought up the letter.  After an hour and really psyching myself up I asked him if he had got the letter.  He said yes, I asked if he had any questions.  We talked for a little while, I tried to explain things but he didn’t really get it or anything.  I don’t know, it just felt so different to the conversation I had with N.  I don’t know perhaps it’s just I don’t want to let him know like N because of my feelings.  After we talked about it though we got back on track and talked like we normal talk and we normal have fun.  It was nice being able to spend time with him.  S said that N suggested that the three of us sit down to talk.  I’m not sure I’m ready for that at all.  But I owe The Boys that, we are three strangers living together and I’ve dropped a rather large bomb on them.  It’s not fair of me to tell them this stuff and then walk off and not allow them to talk about it or do anything.

I have told both the boys that the need to challenge me to talk about things because I will hide my head in the sand and pretend that nothing is happening, that I feel shit and that I’m not eating.

That’s another thing, when I first stopped eating I was stressed with work and my appetite disappeared, but then I just never really got back to eating at all.  Now I’ve lost a lot of weight, I love my new size and although I know I need to eat part of me doesn’t want to start eating again because if I start eating I will put on weight, but I’ve already been so ill this year, all of which I can say all stems from the fact I’m not eating and my immune system got weak.  All the time I was at my worse was when I really wasn’t eating.  Now I’ve got a size I really like, I look in the mirror and although I still don’t like looking at myself, I do like more what I see in the mirror.  I like my new size.  I like the way I look, I like the clothes I wear, I like the new male attention I’m getting and I like my new body shape.  Part of me doesn’t want to start eating again and gaining all the weight I’ve lost, but I know I have to eat.  I am trying to force myself to eat something every day and I’m hoping that one day I’ll manage to really build myself up to the point I can eat a whole meal that doesn’t make me feel sick.  I hate being sick, I hate the fact my mind is just all over the place.

I went back to the doctors today to say about the issues I had with taking the medication.  She agreed not to put me back on medication and we’ll just let the mental health team do that, not that I’m actually comfortable about going to the mental health team yet.  Anyway I went to the Chinese herbal place down the road and got some stuff from them.  Just have to see if they help me to cope or not.  The stuff tastes awful but as my mother always says it’s the stuff that tastes bad for you that’s good for you.

I really need to start feeling better soon!

tags: depression  health  flatmates