Trying to work things out.

I was talking to M today.  In dribs and drabs, not sure I made a lot of sense.  I know I’m still trying to put into words what’s going on in my head so I can make sense of it.  Trying to explain that to other people can be so hard.  Something I’ve come to realise is that I don’t believe I deserve to have good things happen to me.  I don’t understand where this had come from.  I have a roof over my head which is a lovely place to live, quite spacious, I have money coming in, I don’t struggle to make ends meet, I have two wonderful flat mates and for once I get on with both, I have a job which is my dream job, yet it gets me down sometime but don’t most jobs do that and I have gotten to know a lot of wonderful people.  I really can’t complain about a lot of things in my life.  Yet I find it hard to see this as positives in my life.  I find it hard to find anything positive in my life and when I do there is always a very loud voice at the back of my head destroying it.

I wrote a letter to my flat mates, explaining what’s going on with me at the moment.  I have played out the scenarios in my head, and each time I end up even worse mess than I did before I wrote the letter.  In my head I see them having a go at me, calling me every name under the sun, telling me off for being so selfish, having a go at me for ruining everything, tell me to move out, not wanting to support me because it’s not worth it, them moving out because they don’t want to live with a crazy person.  Somewhere in my head I know that this is all bullshit but it’s just so strong that I find it so hard to ignore.

M said that she finds it hard to understand why I do this, I wish I had an answer for her.  She understands that I don’t take a compliment very well but yet I can get other’s to be positive.  What makes me laugh though is that I’m always looking for confirmation that I’m doing the right thing, but how can I have that if I can’t take a compliment.  I was back to my mother recently and went to mass there, I sang in the music group I used to run.  They sang a song that I taught them a few years ago, and they sang it really well.  They also sang a hymn that had a round and they split themselves into two and sang it as a round.  I got back home and I sent some music back to them, (they didn’t have a piano part for the song I taught them years ago) with it I added a letter saying how great it was to see them grow and trying new things.  I said how I loved to see them so confident.  I got an email back saying thank you for the music and also how I should take some credit for where they music group was because I had installed a bit of self-belief.  Even if I did take some credit for it, it was all there all they needed was something to help them bring it out.  Again I find it hard to take credit for it and I don’t know why.  I did work hard to try and bring the best out but I just can’t take credit for it I just can’t.

As part of the letter I wrote to The Boys, I asked them if they would be supportive friends through all this.  Even if they do say yes, I’m not sure I would lean on them because leaning on people is something I struggle to do.  I find it hard to talk about what is going on in my head.  For instance telling M what I’ve told her I find really hard, she needs to tell some other’s so that she can get support because it’s not something easy to deal with it.  I get that, it’s not an easy thing to deal with.  So she’s going to talk to L, she asked me if I would like her to talk to L or if I would.  I asked M if she could talk to L, I just can’t face it.  Part of me feels like I should tell L, because I have to face up with what’s going on with me, but I just find it too hard.  Part of me just wants to put my head in the sand and forget that all this is going on.  If the boys don’t bring up the letter I don’t think I’ll ever bring it up, however I’m not making it any easier for them because I keep hiding out in my room.  S was home yesterday, I made a drink and was talking to him and realised he hadn’t seen the letter yet.  So I talked and make nice conversation, then he went upstairs.  I grabbed my stuff, went up to my room and hid before he picked up the letter.  I stayed in my room all night, only leaving when I know S was in his room.  Tonight I came home from babysitting and N was in the front room with his mates, so I went into the front room to get a drink because I knew it was safe.  If I thought for one second he had been on his own I wouldn’t have gone in.  Why can’t I just face this?

Why can't I accept I deserve good things in my life!!!!!

tags: feelings  flatmates  depression  frustration  fears  personal