psychotherapy

My second initial assessment went a lot better.  I felt better after the appointment, but then again we were not talking about me and about my problems or my life story, we just talked about where to go from here.  The long and the short of it is that I'm not going to go straight to psychotherapy as I don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with the negative stuff that will inevitably arise from these session.  She actually said there would be a strong possibility that if I went in to psychotherapy now I would try and kill myself.  So I am doing C.A.T . This should give me the coping mechanisms to go onto psychotherapy.  There is a six month waiting list.  In the meantime I am being refered back to CMHT and given a C.P.N (Community Psychiatric Nurse).  This is to give me support between now and then.  I also have to discover some way of not cutting.  Just like when an alcoholic wants a drink they phone a sponsor, I have to find people I can do that with.  The problem is I know that this will not come easy to me.  Part of that is because I like to cut and I like the way it makes me feel and the calmness it brings.  I have not been banned from cutting though.

I've spent Thursday through to Sunday more or less in bed.  I've gone to work, done the things I have to do, but Sunday I just slept away.  I just couldn't cope getting out of bed or getting dressed.  I was just too tired.  Friday and Saturday I did cut myself.  I spent Thrus - Sat crying and couldn't physically cry any more on Sunday.

Wednesday I woke up and I just felt okay.  Not better as such but just brighter.  As a result I went to the pub with S and a load of his work colleges.  It was a really nice  night out.  When all his work colleges left I asked S about how he felt about my depression, whether he was comfortable with it or not.  He said he was and then I asked him if he would be one of the people I approached when I felt like cutting, to stop myself from cutting.  He said okay.  He didn't even have to think about it.  I then talked him through what happened at my appointments.  He's the first person I've done that with.  It felt good. For the first time ever that we've talked about this stuff he didn't look scared.  I've also given him permission to enter my room uninvited if he ever heard me crying.  I also told him about my high risk for suicide.  He was quite shocked by that, as I was but that's what my scores showed.  It doesn't mean that's what I'm going to do it's just I am at risk of 'accidental' suicide because I'm a compulsive person and I will take too many pills or do a cut that's too deep.  He was so good about everything.  What I really liked though was the fact S and I stayed up talking.  It felt good.  We were also catching up because we've not seen each other in about two weeks.

S has to see a cardiologist next week.  It's quite scary.  He's been feeling unwell, started off with a virus and it's not got much better so he has to go for tests. I hope there's nothing too seriously wrong with him.

So how many of you felt the earthquake?  My bed moved so much I woke up and scared myself stupid.  Almost went to wake the boys up and then decided I wanted to go back to sleep instead.  When I first woke up I thought I had dreamt it, it wasn't until I checked the news that I discovered that Britain had experienced an earthquake.  My last earthquake was when I was at Uni between 2002-2003.  All very exciting. 

I should also add that a year ago yesterday, Toska entered my life.  Happy birthday little man! 

 I'm not brilliant at the moment, but I feel better than I have in three weeks.  That's something.

tags: birthday  cmht  counselling  cutting  depression  fears  feelings  flatmate  personal  pet  toska  selfharm  tortoise  

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