Plauged by dreams

 In the past I have loved to dream.  The dream world is where I am free, free of all my fears, all my insecurities, where anything was possible, where the only thing that could ruin anything was the limitations of my imagination.  When I slept and dreamed I could do anything, be anything I wanted.  I was in heaven and I loved it.  I wanted more of it.  I never wanted it to end.  I would sleep as much as I could knowing that I was safe, knowing that my life in the dream world was the best thing in the world and nothing could go wrong.  I loved it.

Now that's all changed. I don't want to sleep any more, I need to stay awake as much as possible and sleep as little as possible.  Or find the sleep where I don't dream. For the past four or five weeks, when I dream I dream of things that make me feel strange when I wake up.  I dream of people and of things that I don't want to think about.  Of things that can never happen to me.

I have dreamt of S and our wonderful future life together, of the kids we have, the holidays we go on.  The jobs we have, the friends and parties we hold.  The sex.  Our home, the families coming together, the Christmas together, the travelling we go on.  The hugs, the kiss', the closeness.  The teasing, the fights, the arguments, the hatred, the love.... I've dreamt and experienced it all.  The more I dream the more I experience.  It makes waking up so hard.  I makes me feel alone, ugly and resentful of my life.  I already find life hard enough without my dreams making feel a thousand times worse.

I have also had dreams about this other guy I met at Easter.  Our life isn't planned out in my dreams, but we are close, we spend time together, we laugh, we cuddle, we tease, we sing, we do music.  We just date, there are no kids, there is no house, no car, no life, no growing old together. 

Between these two dreams states it's getting harder and harder to be awake and to live my life.  Its not particularly something I want out of life, especially at the moment.  However these dreams bring me amazing feelings of happiness, contentment, of being amazingly warm and full of life.  Even in my wellest times my life never feels like that to me.  I know that I am destined to live my life as a single person.  I have come to terms with this and I've created a life for myself around the concept of the fact I will am single.  My subconcious and my concious really needs to get itself in sync.  I don't need my life to be harder than I already find it.  It just makes things too hard.  

I am a singleton and this will never change.  "I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses.... life's not worth a damn until I shout out, I am what I am".

tags: dreams  depression  feelings  life