- 4 yrs 12 wks 0 days old
- Updated: 23 Jul 2008
- 812 entries
- 1,306 comments
Make me money
Physcotherapy
I was okay after the meeting, but then again I was going straight to work so I really couldn't think too much about what was said, but different aspects of the meeting kept popping into my head. I didn't want them too because I had to open for the youth and I couldn't collapse in front of them. So I pushed them from my concious brain. This was fine until I got home.
I got back to the flat, and the first thing I did was to open an alcoholic drink and within minutes I had drunk it, so I opened a second. Now I hadn't eaten all day. This isn't a good thing for me, I'm meant to be eating, my system can't take me not eating. If I don't keep my food intake up I'm going to become really ill, but that's by-the-by. The alcohol went straight to my head and the meeting came back to me and started to swim in my head. I was getting agitated. I could recognise it in myself. I wanted my razor, I reached for it and kept it beside me.
I had all the talking from the meeting going around and around my head, as it did I got more and more agitated. I'm not sure why though. I picked up my empty bottle and in tears and anger I let out a scream and threw it at my wall. I didn't smash, so I tried again. It still didn't smash. I fell to the floor in tears because even that I couldn't get right. (In the cold light of day I worked out why, the plaster is too soft for it to smash, all I have now is huge dents in my wall and missing plaster work which I must fill in at some point).
I cried for hours. I don't think my flatmates heard me, they didn't make any issue of it. In fact I haven't seen them all week to see if they noticed anything. All week this stuff and more has been going around and around and around and around and around and around my head and I just can't get it to stop. My next appointment isn't until the 26th.
What I have to think about is if this is the right thing for me to do. I will be given a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a number to call when I'm in crisis at 3 in the morning. I may even have to go back on meds.
What have I got myself into, why did I get into such a mess. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back.
Quote: "Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back."
I really think that little Spike is clearly in you. I can feel her presence
all the time through your posts but specially through the games and fun
that you organize. Maybe sometimes you can't see her because of all the
adult worries that surround her.
But are our adult worries worth our pain? I don't think so. As some
oriental saying goes, if our problems don't have a solution, why worry? and
if they have a solution, why worry?
I'm curious as to whether you have allies? You know, things that you do
which distract you when you're in periods of confusion - which allows you
to get back to yourself. Also, before you sleep do you self-suggest the
kind of person you want to be in the morning (visualization). When do you
find yourself feeling your best? What are you doing in your life at those
moments? Even if you don't want to answer these questions in public, they
can be very beneficial to you personally. Good Luck, Spike! I think
you're good people!
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