Oh shit!

So I had a meeting today.  A meeting I have been concerned about for many reasons.  It's me and my co-worker, plus M and L all sitting down to try and resolve the issues that have come up.  Now I don't mind resolving issues but I was scared that 'The Husband' would be part of the conversation.  I was coping with everything until 'The Husband' was mentioned.  My co-worker also said that him not being allowed up was making her choose between work and him.  My Co-worker also mentioned that maybe I don't have issues with 'The Husband' but maybe it's because I have issues with Men in general, and violence.  Now granted I don't do well if someone is violent towards me I'll give her that, but issues with Men.  I don't have issues with men I have issues with trust which is why I've not had a relationship with a guy since I was 18 (if you could call it a relationship).  You can ask my role play partner (A little wave here because I know he reads this blog), it took me a long time to talk to him properly on yahoo and even longer to start talking about the problems I have in my life.  I just don't trust very easily, and when I do trust I freak out that someone is going to break that trust.

I feel as though I am going to be asked, and pressured, into allowing him back up.  Am I wrong to not want to see him again?  Am I wrong to be scared of 'The Husband'?  Should I allow him back up and just forget about how I feel?  Should I pretend like the whole thing didn't happen?  Maybe I should leave my job and look for something else, and some where else in the county, but I've just started the cogs moving to sort myself out.  I don't think I could cope going through all that again.  I must say that right now the back of my hand is really sore because I was scratching it during this meeting from the moment 'The Husband' was mentioned.  It's a bit red and swollen, but I'm more concerned about what it will look like later.  Since I am going away with my mother for four days and I really don't want her seeing it.

I am screwing up so badly, everything I touch seams to be turning to shit and crumbling around me.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I want to talk about it to some one but then I think that it's all in my head like so many other things that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I don't know what the right thing here to do is?! 

tags: selfharm  feelings  fears  work  personal  trust  

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