Oh last night

I didn't do so well last night.  We couldn't open for the youth last night because I was under staffed.  I know I couldn't do anything about it, it was completely out of my control, there was nothing I could do about it but I felt shit for it.  I hated it.  Even though I am tired and I struggle a lot when the young people are in, I don't want to let them down.  I don't like it when we have to close at the last minute like that.  It's letting the young people down.  I know how I would have felt if I had made the effort to come out on an evening, a cold evening at that to find that the center wasn't open.  It would have pissed me off and make me feel unimportant.  These are young people who don't have good self-worth or self-confidence.  We're here to help them, to be a safe haven for them, a reliable place they can come and hang out.  How can that be if we're closed?

Last night, I thought I was dealing with it, I had something to eat, drank more than I usually would and then I got on with some work.  At 10.30pm I settled down for the night, and then the tears started, the anger started and I got really wound up.  So at 11pm I went out for a walk.  I walked for ages, and it started raining and I carried on walking.  I only had a jumper on so I got really wet.  Unfortunately I also had taken a sleeping aid, so eventually, although i didn't want to go back to the flat, I had to because I saw getting really tired.  It was hard to fight the sleep.  I sat down at one point and all most fell asleep there and then.

So around about 12.15am I got back to the flat. I was cold, wet and really tired.  I took my wet clothes off and went to bed.  I had a really interrupted nights sleep.  I woke up every few hours and today I am so tired it's ridiculous.

I shouldn’t have got upset about this.  There was nothing I could do. It was completely out of my hands.  No one blames me for not opening but somehow I feel as though I have failed.  I have failed the charity; I have failed the young people.  I just feel like a failer.

tags: work  failed  

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