Oh dear!

Friday night was not a good night for me at all.  Work went nuts, and I ended up feeling physically threatened and for the first time ever in work felt as though I could possible get hurt.  I was scared and my adrenaline was through the roof.  I called the non-emergancy police line, who said they would send someone but they never showed.  I've never felt so alone and scared.  Still I survived and I didn't loose my temper nor did I cry.

However when I got back home I broke down, completely and utterly and there was no one in.  So I did the one thing I know I can do to calm me down... and I did it.  It felt good.  I forget just how good it feels.  Looking at the marks now you can tell what order I've done them all in, where they get lighter and lighter when I start to feel better.  Bleed like anything though.

I didn't tell my flat mates, one thinks this is something I'll just get over, while the other just looks scared.  I hate the fact they are like this.  They weren't in,  but over the weekend I really could have done with some help and support.   I spent the weekend hiding.  Then today I told and showed H.  I felt sick to my stomach, but in the theme of getting better I had to tell her, so I did.  She was okay with it.  Not in the fact that she condones what I've done, but she didn't make me feel bad for doing it.  I can feel bad for myself, except although I do hate the fact I've done it, I like the fact I did it.  It made me feel better.  The marks at the top of my arm this time, as I'm off to my mother's next week end and I have to hide what I've done and I thought this was the easiest way.  I couldn't not do it though.

I'm not meant to go back to CMHT until next week, but I've made an appointment today to see them this week. I can't keep going on like this, I know that, but to give this up is gong to be hard, because when I'm in crisis I enjoy it.  I know people don't get that and wonder how one can like cutting one's skin and bleeding etc. but I do.  I don't expect people to understand any more.  Unless you're a cutter, you just don't ever get it.

tags: cmht  cutting  flatmates  personal  selfharm  

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