Of late

I have to admit that I haven’t wanted to post recently and usually I don’t worry about it but I’ve got a lot on my mind and I don’t feel I can really talk to anyone about it which is sending me a little doolally as you can imagine.  I want to start getting out of this depression phase I seam to be in again and I want to start trusting and I want to stop hating my life.   This isn’t something that will happen over night, I know that but I also know that I have to start somewhere so I’m starting here.  I know that this blog is not a good substitute to a trust worthy friend, someone who will hold you as you cry without wanting you to talk about, someone who will talk to you on the phone at ridiculous times in the morning.  Someone who will stop your head banging when you can’t sleep, or can help you put down the razor when all you want to do is cut away, or help you put down the cigarette you really want to smoke because everything is just getting to much.  Unfortunately I don’t have that, oh there are plenty of people who have said they will be that person for me but the whole trust issue gets in the way.  It’s not good and until I can learn that trust is a good thing I’m going to find it hard to really trust anyone.  Oh I can tell a few things to my Manager who has been an absolute star over the past 18 months I’ve worked at this job.  I’ve told her a bits and bobs but nothing to the extent that my brain is turning over and over and over and over in my head.  One day however I will learn to trust or else how else will I grow and have a complete life. 

A canny few weeks ago (and I’m talking months) I hurt my back.  I reached into my freezer and a pain shoot up my back.  An hour or so later I bent down to get my milk and a pain shoot through and up and all around my back and I was stuck.  My flat mate S was a star and helped me out.  After two week my back didn’t feel any better so I went to the doctors, I got put on medication which makes me very sleepy (I’ve been known to fall sleep at the drop a hat, even at work) for the pain, and anti inflammatory which have made me loose my appetite!  Least I’m loosing weight again.  Which is nice.  Perhaps I can hit 11 stone before the summer (if we get to the summer).  But the medication has started to change my personality, I am tired all the time, I am crotchety, I can’t seam to deal with anything negative at all.  On Friday I came home having to shut up work because I screwed up.  I cried and cried, I drank, I smoked and while I was washing up I tried to cut myself with a knife but my flat mate was watching me so I didn’t do it.  I don’t know if he knew what I was doing or not but it was the only thing that stopped me.  It wasn’t good.

I’m also having nightmare’s, I know exactly why I’m having this reoccurring nightmare.  On the 5^th July last year I discovered the truth about my father.  It messed with my head because I didn’t feel anything.  No a gorram thing.  I’m fine with that but this year I’ve been dreaming of him.  I do the same thing around the anniversary of my half brother’s death, only those dreams are nice and pleasant.  These dreams are awful.  I see him standing in front of me in his wedding suit which is the only thing I know what he looks like in as it’s the only photo I own of him.  He stands there telling me how sorry he was that he wasn’t there for me during my life but how me can be there now.  Then he tells me how pathetic I am, how useless I am and how I won’t amount to anything.  I will grow old and die alone and unloved, never knowing what it means to be close to anyone.  I try not to listen, I try to wake myself up but it’s not possible.  I tell him to shut up he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, that although I might not believe my life is perfect I don’t really have anything to complain about but still he continues, he seams to take joy out of what he is saying.  I turn to face him and tell him to FUCK OFF and leave me alone, he is nothing to me and owes me nothing.  He was useless when he was alive and even more useless dead.  I always wake up shouting, cold sweat, breathing shallow and scared out of my wits.  It’s been seven days and doesn’t seam to be letting up.  Doesn’t stop me being tired or cranky. 

I feel like shouting to the world when will it give me a break, when will it leave me alone.  I’ve had one illness after another, one depression spell after another this year.  Why can’t I be more like my flat mate S who always seams so happy and content and nothing seams to bother him or faze him?  I want to be like that.  Tell me please, how I can be like that?   I don’t what to be like this anymore!

tags: anger  work  flatmates  depression  death  dad  dreams  cutting  fears  family  feelings  frustration  hate  personal  selfharm  trust  update