not good

I know I am not good at the moment, and I know I am going to do tonight what I have done for the past two nights to get me through.  I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself, I can't do this clean, I just can't.

I have no seen or spoken to someone I know since last Thursday when I was at collage.  I left collage early because I had been up most of the night trying to write three essays I thought were due in (as it turned out the changed the deadline for one, they only wanted 300 words for another, so I only had one due in at 2000 words).  I wrote almost 10,000 words in one night for no reason what-so-ever.  But I left collage early because I fell asleep in the lecture.  I was home by 8.30pm and now it's Sunday 1.33pm and I haven't talked to anyone at all.  I have spoken to a few people on the phone for work, or the cashier at the checkout.... but that doesn't count.

I did try and arrange to meet some people and talk to people but everyone I know has a life and has plans, so I'm on my own.  You would have thought that after all this time I would have gotton use to being on my own.  Over the past year though I have gotton use to having friends, beginnings of a social life, people who actually care about me.  It's hard to go back to having nothing.  I need to become a recluse again, I need to forget about having friends, I need to block out having fun, spending time with people.  I need to block out these memories, those feelings and those desires.  

I am meant to live life alone, I am not the sort of person who is meant to have friends, who is meant to succed in life.  I am not going to ever know the touch of a man, I am never gonna know what it's like to be a mother, I am going to be the crazy old lady living on her own.  I'm going to be the lady people whisper about behind her back, the one the kids call a witch.

I should never had played with the idea of having friends, having a social life.  But having a taste of it makes going back to what I should be more painful.  I enjoyed having a social life (albeit a small one), I enjoyed hanging around with people and I liked talking to people.

Before I started the social life I could cope being on my own, watching films, playing on my PS2, passing the time.  I dealt with it and I enjoyed it.  It was my life.  Now however I don't enjoy spending time on my own as I use to.  I want to spend it with people, I want to interact with people.  I know that can never last though.

So to help me block out the pain, block out the memories I have my little way.  I know I shouldn't and I know it makes the next day hard, but I can't deal with the rejection of life any more.  I need something to make me feel better.  To help me into oblivion.  So again, tonight, I will do as I have done for the previous two nights. 

tags: life  rant  frustration  fuck  fears  feelings  

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