life is a gift

I'm not sleeping very well at the moment.  In fact I barely sleep at all, although I feel tired all the time.  I have no energy, I have no get up and go.  Last night I watched brothers and sisters on E4 and I was so tired I thought I would fall asleep before the end of the show.  I got through to the end of the show, switched of my TV via the remote because I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed.  I turned over and woke up.  My mind began to race and voices of things said in the past filled my mind and I just couldn't get them to stop.

In my head I could hear how things have been over the past year, people telling me to ignore things that have now become a huge issue, how people didn't care what's been going on with my project because the day project is more important, that everything will be okay because I'm running things.  However that's not the case is it.  Everything's turned to shit and all of a sudden everyone's got views and thoughts about how things should work.  However, what none of them thought about is how the kids would feel about  it.  Everything they want me to put into place is going to kill the project and it will slowly die.  There is nothing I can do about it because it's come from upper management.  My new job title is going around and around my head, they really think that little of me that they are going to give me my ex-co-workers job title.  A demotion in anyone book.  That's what they think of me.  I feel like shit, I feel like I am the biggest failer because I can't get my project to work, I couldn't find a solution that could work.  Why couldn't I find something that could make it work.  Why can't I make it all work? Why does everyone suddenly want to take an interest in the failer that is my project? Why couldn't people come and see the project when things were going well.

I couldn't cope with all this going through my head over and over and over again. I ended up crying for hours on end.  I got out of bed and opened up a big bottle of WKD, I had a cigerette  and then I took four co-codamol, I only took four but I really I had thought about taking more.  I got some paper and I started to write letters to people and leaving my stuff for people.  I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up the next day.  I crawled back into bed and prayed for oblivion.

My alarm went off at 7am, some one called me at 8.30am and that's when I got out of bed.  I had hopped to be in work for 8am.  I was talking with SM later in the day (she wanted to see how my weekend went) and she said that when she walked into the office to find it empty this morning, alarm bells rang in her head as she thought that I had done something.  It was only about ten minutes later that she got my text saying I'd be late into the office as I had to go to the church to sort out the parish magazine.  I hate the thought that I'm so bad that people are actually scared of what I might be.  I don't want to be the sort of person that people are scared of, or be scared about but that's what I've turned into.

I have turned into an awful person and I hate it.  I can't seam to stop crying.  As soon as I'm on my own I start to cry.  I've already burst into tears five times this evening and it's only 7.30pm, I got home at 5.30pm.  I've got the tv on and I'm desperatly trying to keep my mind busy but I still keep crying I can't seam to stop it.

God gave me a gift, he gave me the gift of life, and all I've managed to do is squal it and I'm fucking it up.  Why can't I enjoy this gift that has been handed to me.  Why can't I do something good with it?  

tags: fuck  depression  feelings  selfharm  work  personal