- 4 yrs 12 wks 0 days old
- Updated: 23 Jul 2008
- 812 entries
- 1,306 comments
Make me money
It's another day
Yesterday my Co-Worker was told that 'The Husband' was not allowed back up at work. Naturally she was really upset but the hatred and bile that was in her voice as she shouted at me was just the worse thing going. I had hoped that on some level she would understand what I must have felt. But she didn't. I felt awful. This is the last thing I wanted. Things should never have got this far, some how I still feel as though its my fault. I close my eyes and see the hated in her eyes, hear it in her voice. She was so angry. I do understand it, but I know how I feel.
Last night I was sitting in the front room watching a film and eating, when there was a knock at the door. My heart started racing and I started shaking and sweating and actually stopped breathing for a bit. I stood at the living room door, knowing I was in the flat alone not moving. A second knock came. At this point I just wanted to cry. Then N walked out of his room. He did make me jump, I turned to him telling him that 'The Husband' might be at the door and not to let him in. He said it wouldn't be, it was probably his friend. Sure enough it was. So I freaked out for no reason. It took me an hour to stop shaking.
Today my co-worker didn't talk to me at all. She wasn't horrible but it was noticed by a couple that she didn't talk to me. Later on I explained to N why I freaked out last night, and thank him for allowing me to join in his poker game. N was really understanding.
I'm going to my mother's this weekend so I'll tell her what's happened and just let her give me some love and caring and tenderness because dude I need to get out of my flat and this situation. What I really want more than anything else in the world is not to be scared of being in my flat, not to be scared of walking out of my flat, not to lock myself in my room. I don't want to be scared if I bump into him or her. Why do these things have to happen to me, it sucks. I must be a really bad person for this sort of thing to happen. I need to be a nicer person and then perhaps nice things will happen to me.
I think you are nice enough. And nice people have ugly experiences now and
then too. This didn't happen because of you; it happened because of him. He
has the problem. Your possibility may had been to call the police when he
was invading the calmness of your home, your privacy. That would have made
him think about what he was doing.
I don't really know how to follow Darwin's comment. He (I've always assumed
Darwin is male, but now I'm unsure why?) seems to have covered all the
bases. The important thing to understand is that the husband is the one
with the problem. His reaction is totally out of line. Completely
unacceptable. That is not your fault! You are the victim here, not the
culprit.
You are absolutely not a bad person. This whole thing was 'The Husband''s
fault. Some shit stuff has been happening to you but it's just stuff; it
doesn't say anything about how good a person you are.
I agree. We live in a world where bad things can happen to good people. I
tend to think that it evens out in the long run, but the long run can be a
long time to wait when this sort of garbage is happening.
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