I really couldn't help myself

I'm really not sure what happened, I really don't.  I thought I was holding it together pretty well, I thought I was over the worst of it all and that I was on the plateau and I could start enjoying things a little and letting my hair down.

I was doing okay with it all and then Monday happened.  I came tumbling down, Tuesday didn’t go any better and I ended up in the bathroom at work crying.  I walked in there, not meaning to cry but couldn’t stop myself, the tears came.  This is not a week I can afford to fall apart I have a lot on with the end of collage, and with the reopening of the youth centre…. I have to stay together.  But there I was sitting on the floor of the toilet crying my eyes out. I was desperately trying to get it to stop but the more I tried to stop it, the more tears that fell.  It was one of the worst experiences I’ve had at work.  I don’t fall apart at work, this depression stuff is not meant to come into the work place.  I am meant to keep it at the door.  I’m meant to be in enough control to deal with it all.

However this was not the case yesterday.  I was scratching my arm wishing I had something to cut with.  I remember sitting there asking God to make me calm enough to get through this week and then I could fall apart at the weekend.  I was also praying that no one would find me.  I also knew that I was going on holiday next week and hoped to wear a swimming costume and I can’t if I have marks on my body.  So I asked for the strength not to cut.

What actually stopped me crying was the fact I was in the toilet with the only potty in the place, and that we had small children in who were being toilet trained so I had to get out so they could go to the loo.  So I stopped crying and cooled my eyes off and make myself look presentable with my eyes just looking like I was suffering from hay fever.

 I went back into the office and noticed that SM and OS were not there, and our other team member FA looked at me and then looked away.  Somehow they knew.  I went to my desk and started shuffling paper work.  SM came in and asked me into the small meeting room.  I shook my head saying I couldn’t, not now, maybe in a couple of days but SM insisted.  OS was sitting there too.  I wanted to die in that moment.  Although I am having a few issues at work, on the whole work isn’t what’s bothering me.  I don’t know why I suddenly crashed, I can’t pin point it on anything.  I’m really doing okay, I’m socialising, I’m interacting with people, I’m dealing with work…. I don’t know what caused me to crash so hard… but crash I did.  I said that it wasn’t really work that was getting to me, and OS bless her, left the room understanding that SM and I had a different sort of relationship and that she wouldn’t interfere with that.  It impressed me.

SM and I sat there and all I did was cry for what seamed on age, I just couldn’t stop myself I just kept on crying, it was like the gates were open and nothing I tried to could stop it.   SM told me to let it all out.  So for a little while I did, but then I tried to stop it, but it took a lot out of me.  I tried to tell her what was on my mind but it just sounded so stupid and pathetic and it was just me whining.   We talked about the fact all I wanted to do was get drunk, take pills and cut.  We came up with a plan, if I could cope I would go to a meeting, from the meeting I go straight to the art and craft workshop, by the time I would get home I would only have to wait an hour or so before I get to bed.  So that’s what we did.

However when I got home I collapsed again and started crying, and I cut.  I cut my thigh.  This is the first, and last time, I will cut my thigh.  It’s still weeping, so I’ve gone to the chemist and talked to someone about bandages and creams.  So I know have a huge bandage taped to my leg.  But it effects the way I walk, it hurts like hell, but I think that’s because the skin around that area of my leg moves a lot and contorts.

It felt so good to cut though, I’ve missed my old friend.  I’m not afraid of it, I’m not ashamed of it.  I’m upset I’ve started again, but I’m happy and feel complete.

tags: update  work  fuck  depression  selfharm