I have to watch my mouth

I didn't do much at work today.  I've been so tired lately that I really just couldn't be bothered to do anything, so I didn't.  I helped out in the main room with the customers, but didn't really get any of my work down.  By L came in, she's on of the trustees, and she and I got chatting about things.  I almost let slip about what happened the other night.  

This is not a good thing.  I told her I drank myself stupid but that was it, I can't believed I almost let the other stuff slip.  I can't let them know how bad I'm falling.  I know I'm failing, I know I'm not doing everything I need to be doing but I'm not ready to face all that in person yet.  I'm certainly ready for work to know all this.  I need to get over everything myself or let everything get even worse.   

What I really find hard to understand is the fact that when I discovered that me Dad died and all the problems I was having with CW I could go to H or L and talk things through, but this time around I can't and I don't understand what inside me has changed that I can't talk to them.  I know I have to tell them, I know I have to come clean, I know I can't let things get back and I can't let things deteriorate but I don't want them to know.  I don't want anyone to know.  

I write here because I need to get this stuff out of my head and this works just as well as anything else it really does but I also know that doing it this way you get questions and comments that maybe you need to hear but your just not ready to hear.  Part of me wants to hear what I don't want to hear, part of me wants the comments that I don't want commented on but I know that I can't let those at work know what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking or what's going on inside my head.  

What has changed?  Is it maybe I have more of a relationship with them, or maybe something inside me's changed and I don't want anyone to see it.  They know I cope with a lot, as one person said when all that stuff happened last summer, "How does she keep it together, she's so strong."  I feel anything but strong, I know a lot of people see me as strong, but how can I be strong if I can't talk to people and I turn to destructive ways of dealing with things.  That's not strong, that's just chickening out.  I just don't know, am I doing right, am I doing wrong.  

Even when I was depressed I knew in my head the things I did were wrong and I needed to stop and it was only through intervention that I could stop, but this time it feels so different and it feels so right.  I can't tell anyone, I just can't.  Part of me is saying that something is wrong because I won't talk to them but it feels so right by not saying anything.  I know this isn't making much sense, I just know I can't tell them.

tags: depression  counselling  cutting  frustration  life  personal  question  writings  update