I'm not what you think I am
- 4 yrs 12 wks 2 days old
- Updated: 25 Jul 2008
- 813 entries
- 1,309 comments
Make me money
I don't like the way it's going!
posted Tue 13 Feb 07
Since talking to my co-worker N last Tuesday I have not slept through a night. As tired as I am I can't seam to sleep properly. I wake up at random times during the early hours and never really go back to sleep. I just snooze. Which means I get quite tired through the day but still I can't sleep. It's almost like I'm afriad to sleep, of what my dreams will bring. I know I've had nightmares every night since last Tuesday but I have yet to remember what the dreams are.
I know it's all got to do with what's going on at work. To weather I should stay or not. To whether we are going to stay open or not. It is beginning to look like we will stay open but I'm not sure I want to work there anymore. It's taking such a big toll on me. N wants me to talk to the team about what I'm going through but I know I can't. It's driving me nuts. There are only two people I want to tell. But I can't do it. I keep playing the whole coversation over and over in my head but it comes out wrong and I end up in tears.
I know that H will be hurt that I didn't tell her what I need to tell her. L will be shocked and N doesn't even know the half of what I'm going through. Even if we do get the money to stay open, I'm not sure it's enough for me to stay open. Even if we got the money and we can stay open, I still need more staff. Either volunteers or paid. I can not keep going the way I am. Most of the time I do enjoy my job, and most of the time I like most of the kids (there are one or two I find it really hard to be 'Christ' to but I'm working on it!) and it's a worthwhile job and something that is really, really needed the probelm is how close to burn out do I have to get before people realise that I need help. I can say it as much times as I like but because we're 'ticking' over no one really pays any attention. I feel like... I don't know what I feel like, but even as I write this in more or less in tears. I want to cry but I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. I have so much locked up inside me but I have no way of releasing it. I wish I did. I suppose my lack of sleep is just proving it. I would really like to stop having nightmares, I wish I could tell people what I'm feeling, I wish I could be real. I just feel like I can do.
What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is going on? Last summer I could be honest, this time around I cna't. I don't want to go on meds, but I think I may have to. I can't keep going on the way that I am going. I can't keep running away, drowning in other things to take my mind of things. Today for instance I was doing stuff to my computer and shorted my mother board or my processor, and I'm sure it's because I wasn't really concentrating.
I need to sort my head out. That's why I have this week off to try and sort it all out, to work out what I should do but all I seam to be able to do is confuse myself more. I just don't seam to making any sense. I have to email N later on this week so I can let him know if I will talk to the whole team. Of course the answer is no, but I feel I need to explain to him why. In truth I don't know why I just know I can't do it. I'm I being a chicken. Although I want to cry all the time I don't think I'm depressed. I can still smile and still find joy in things. Maybe not as much as I usually do but I am finding joy in things so it can't be all bad surely.
My flatemate and I talk about random shite most nights and that helps me to calm down and switch off and just make me feel like me. I really like it. I think without him I would have gone nuts by now I really would have. He's just really fun to be around. I really don't know what I'm really saying. I'm still trying to work it out. At some point though I need to cry and let myself cry. I need to let people know what's going on in my head but it's just not possible at the moment.
I know it's all got to do with what's going on at work. To weather I should stay or not. To whether we are going to stay open or not. It is beginning to look like we will stay open but I'm not sure I want to work there anymore. It's taking such a big toll on me. N wants me to talk to the team about what I'm going through but I know I can't. It's driving me nuts. There are only two people I want to tell. But I can't do it. I keep playing the whole coversation over and over in my head but it comes out wrong and I end up in tears.
I know that H will be hurt that I didn't tell her what I need to tell her. L will be shocked and N doesn't even know the half of what I'm going through. Even if we do get the money to stay open, I'm not sure it's enough for me to stay open. Even if we got the money and we can stay open, I still need more staff. Either volunteers or paid. I can not keep going the way I am. Most of the time I do enjoy my job, and most of the time I like most of the kids (there are one or two I find it really hard to be 'Christ' to but I'm working on it!) and it's a worthwhile job and something that is really, really needed the probelm is how close to burn out do I have to get before people realise that I need help. I can say it as much times as I like but because we're 'ticking' over no one really pays any attention. I feel like... I don't know what I feel like, but even as I write this in more or less in tears. I want to cry but I'm afraid if I start I'll never stop. I have so much locked up inside me but I have no way of releasing it. I wish I did. I suppose my lack of sleep is just proving it. I would really like to stop having nightmares, I wish I could tell people what I'm feeling, I wish I could be real. I just feel like I can do.
What the hell is wrong with me. What the hell is going on? Last summer I could be honest, this time around I cna't. I don't want to go on meds, but I think I may have to. I can't keep going on the way that I am going. I can't keep running away, drowning in other things to take my mind of things. Today for instance I was doing stuff to my computer and shorted my mother board or my processor, and I'm sure it's because I wasn't really concentrating.
I need to sort my head out. That's why I have this week off to try and sort it all out, to work out what I should do but all I seam to be able to do is confuse myself more. I just don't seam to making any sense. I have to email N later on this week so I can let him know if I will talk to the whole team. Of course the answer is no, but I feel I need to explain to him why. In truth I don't know why I just know I can't do it. I'm I being a chicken. Although I want to cry all the time I don't think I'm depressed. I can still smile and still find joy in things. Maybe not as much as I usually do but I am finding joy in things so it can't be all bad surely.
My flatemate and I talk about random shite most nights and that helps me to calm down and switch off and just make me feel like me. I really like it. I think without him I would have gone nuts by now I really would have. He's just really fun to be around. I really don't know what I'm really saying. I'm still trying to work it out. At some point though I need to cry and let myself cry. I need to let people know what's going on in my head but it's just not possible at the moment.
write to me, don't be frightened... I don't bite....much! (1)
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