God Damn It

August has been a bad month for me.  I think it's because it's been so quiet and I've had so little to do.  For work and personal.  I have tried to keep myself occupied by doing a writers course, reading more, watching Buffy and other shows I love, trying to create new stuff for work, going for walks.... anything that means I'm not sitting in the house by myself, but since I have no concentration at the moment it's hard for me to focus on anything so I never actually get anything done.

I went out last night with some friends, it was a party celebrating Notting Hill Carnival.   I had a really good night drinking, enjoying the company, having good conversation and even inhaling some stuff... I was confused as to what it was.  It gave me a good buzz though.

The dreams I had last night was just a continuation on what or should I say who my thoughts have been on over the past month.  I dreamt of S.  It was so realistic.  I went round to his place and he cooked a dinner.  I took my friend C and his flatmate A was there.  S was teasting me about my allergies and how much I was a pain to I was to cook for.  We had a giggle, and then we started to re-arrange furniture including a piano... which was really strange because he doesn't own one, but I am planning on buying a keyboard!  After the meal, A took C out for a drink at the local pub.  S and I were left to our own devices and it was like it had always been.  Talking, giggling, teasing... oh it was so much fun.  Then I said it. "I have really missed you and these conversation of ours!" to which he replied "So have I.  I was a fool for letting you go.  It's why I wanted you to come round today.  I want us to give it a go.  I want you."  Just as he was about to kiss me I woke up.

I hate having these dreams because it really does make me miss him all the more.  We've text each other... but it's always been me making the effort.  He never does it off his own back, but then that's him for you.  However I do miss him and I had done really well not really through about him for a while, but for August I couldn't help it.  He kept popping into my head. I didn't want him to, but there he was larger than life.  It was depressing.

I don't want to be this way abotu him anymore but here I am, still missing him and still with a broken heart... although I still don't get how you can have a borken heart, when the individual doens't return the feelings.  It can't be anything apart from a crush.  A stupid, pathetic infactuation.  When will it stop, please make it stop. I'll do anything for these dreams, these feelings and thoughts to stop.

HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE!

tags: flatemate  love  depression  feelings  dreams  fuck