Fucking Hell

I am furious right now, so much so I'm shaking.  Over the past week, I have been through hell, between the CMHT and 'The Husband' incident it's not been good.  I have also been cutting which is really annoying, well today I found out why the whole 'Husband' incident happened.  I'm going to go back to this morning and through to what I've just found out less than an hour ago.

This morning was M (my manager) first day back.  She had a bit of a baptism of fire, she had to meet with L who explained to her everything that's happened over the last week, starting with last Tuesday.  I knew this conversation was happening so I wasn't surprised to discover it was going on.  At 1.30pm I got a phone call from M saying that 'The Husband' was at work.  Immediately I freaked out and said I wasn't going in until he was gone, M said that was fine and she understood.  We talked a little, she asked me to call her when I got home that evening and I said I would and then hung up.  I sat down and started crying.  I got so worked up, in my head I was wondering how this was allowed to happen, I was the employee, surely they should be standing by me.  If I didn't want to see the man they should be making sure that 'The Husband' was not coming up to where I work.  But no he was there.  Thoughts were running round and round my head, I was crying and shaking, out of fear, out of anger and then I reached for my razor and I cut myself four times.  They bleed.  I felt calmer so I watched TV.  I was already trying to psych myself up for facing my co-worker to try and find out what the hell I was have meant to have said to a young person, which I still couldn't fathom what it was I could have said.

So at 3.15pm I went to work.  Knowing my co-worker would have left thus her husband would have left.  I wearily walked to work looking out for the couple as I really didn't want a show down in the middle of town, got to work and found no one there.  I found something I needed to do straight away on my desk so I went out again to do that, plus I had to buy some new bits for the young people at work.  So I went out.  As I walked down the High Street I saw the couple.  I hide making sure they wouldn't see me, and then carried on my way.  I stood in line at the bank shaking.  I'm hoping people just thought I was cold rather than scared.  I just concentrated as much as I could on my Mp3 player and My Chemical Romance.  I then went and did more shopping scared the entire time that I would run into them.  I then went back to the office, scared still that they had gone back because there was a lot of stuff lying around that needed to go to the dump and I was worried that they might come back to do it.  But they didn't show.  At 4.30pm I put on my arm warmers (to hide my marks, as when I'm alone I take them off because they make my marks itch) and started setting up.  I put my music on and away I go.  My Sessional Worker (K) turned out a little while later, made me jump when the buzzer went, she was having issues with the door.  The same issues I had when I first got in. 

The night was uneventful while at work. Although I kept worrying that The Husband would show up.  So tonight when I got in from work I called M.  It was an enlightening conversation I must say.  Just to recap, I am still scared of walking out of my flat, I still check outside of my windows before drawing my curtains, I still check that everything is shut and locked before I go to bed, I check everything again each of the four times I wake up through the night, I am scared of being in the flat on my own, I am scared every time I hear a bump or a shout in case it's The Husband.  So I was talking to M, and this is what the whole thing, my week from hell is all about.  A young lad asked me if I knew my co-worker and I said I do.  Now apparently the was I said I do make the young person believe that I didn't like my co-worker.  Now at any one time I am usually doing four things at once and trying to have a conversation with three young people.  I can't see how from saying two words someone can work out that I dislike someone.  Professionally, yes I have issues with this person, but I would never let on to the young people because it's got nothing to do with them.  To top it all off, this young person has not been into the centre for two or three MONTHS!  My co-worker told her Husband about all this hours before he turned up at my door.  So I am scared out of my brains for no reason!

This whole event should never have escalated to this point, I should not have found the need to self harm, I should not have to be scared to be in my own flat.  She should have come up to the next day and talked to me about it like the adult that she is.  For heavens sake she's older than me.  So I now have to hide marks on my arm, feel scared for something which is in the mind of a young person from three months ago!  I am not happy.  I am furious.  M has also said that the trustees have come to the decision that The Husband is no longer welcome up at the centre.  M was going to talk to my co-worker today about it but didn't because He was already up there so tomorrow my co-worker will be told.  Although I won't completely relax at least I can stop freaking out at the thought of going to work.  But if he wanted to come up or turn up on my door step who is going to stop him.  When he gets all pent up he is a force to be reckoned with.  I can't see him lying over and taking this.  I hope he does because this was only ever between me and my co-worker and that's it.  None of the past week needed to happen.  Not at all.

I am so angry I could cry, but I'm worried that if I start crying I might cut more.  I want to talk to one of The Boys but they are both in bed and S is off to his parents tomorrow morning early, so I really can't keep him up.  He's already down for the night.  I should also mention at this point that I've had two cigarettes today.  I have to find a better way of dealing with this stuff.  I'm thinking of getting a punching bag that I can up on my wall so when I get really worked up I can punch it out.  It's got to better than what I'm doing right now.  Right?  Although a punching bag, it's it right that I become violent?  Exchange one problem with another.

Fuck I'm angry! 

tags: anger  cutting  feelings  frustration  fuck  personal  selfharm  work  

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