Fucked up again!

Why oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why do I keep doing this to myself.  My only thought is that I'm on a self destructive cycle and it's getting ever worse.

I've had a shit week emotionally due to depression, and for the first time in my life PMS and now crank phone calls!  So as you can imagine I've struggled to cope this week.  Hell ER on Monday made me cry for an hour!  Tuesday and Wednesday took all my will power not to cry all the time.

So last night, having not eaten anything all day nor during the week actually, my Flat mate S and I went out to the pub.  I am not a big drinker these days but I do drink.  Now I know my mood this week and I've not eaten so I stuck with half's.  I had a pint and a half in total and a coke.  I We had a few games of pool through the night, I lost every game!  S said I wasn't a bad player I just can't get the handle of the angles.  If I got that down, I'd be a good player.  This is a complement, something that S doesn't do very much.  started weezing and then I got really cold.  So I went home.  S came with me.  We only left about 5 minutes before last orders.  

We got back to the flat and I decided to drink some water and try and eat some food since I knew I hadn't eaten anything all day and I needed to try and get something inside me.  Didn't happen though.  I did drink water but that was it.  S and I got talking, and I ended up telling him what I had been through this week and how I was feeling, the fact I wanted to cut, the fact I wanted to smoke and... and this is the worst, that the other night I sat on our roof patio thingy and wondered if I feel off backwards head first would I die.  (people walked past which is why I didn't try it!).  All the time i was talking I was telling myself to SHUT THE FUCK UP.  The last thing I want is for my flat mates to think I'm nuts.  So I'm now going to be trying to avoid him for a while since I am embarrassed that I had done this.

Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why do I keep putting myself in this situation.  I have to share a house with this guy and he must be scared of me now!  I am a prat and an idiot.  Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut!  I really hate myself sometimes.  As Pink once said "I'm my own worst enemy!"

tags: anger  cutting  depression  death  fears  feelings  flatmates  frustration  fuck  hate  life  rant  selfharm  update