Fuck

V and I went out for her birthday last night.  There was meant to be a whole group of us but for one reason or another it just ended up being me and her.  We ended up at my place, which is something we always end up doing, which was great, but we got talking and she got me to talk about my feelings about the psychotherapy and that lead on to other things.  I tried to change the subjects but she kept bringing me back to it.  I cried and got exhausted, and now I have a sore hand because it seams that I had been scratching the back of my hand.  12 hours later it's still swollen.  It was so hard but I admitted something that I had been denying to myself... such as my thought of cutting my wrists, how much I hate H, how much I still blame myself for what happened last summer, about so much... including how out of control my feeling for S are.

I am so tired today, I keep bursting into tears.  I can't stop.  It's almost 3pm and I'm not even dressed, I'm staying in bed.  The only reason I'm even on line is because I'm trying to write M a letter to tell her about some of the things that came out last night, things that will effect me at work.

I'm so tired, I am so fed up... I don't know what to do. 

tags: fuck  feelings  frustration  

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit