Freak out!

I am writing this because one of my *new* coping mechanisms is to write about it.  But rather than write about events (which is what I tend to do), I have to write about my feelings.  The problem is a lot of the time I can’t identify how I feel, because I’ve pushed the feelings aside and ignored them.  As part of my therapy I have started to try and identify what these emotions are and what their names are.  To do this, for the time being, I write about the event, but I also write about any thoughts I have but also, and this is the key part, where in the body it effects me.  For instance since doing this I have discovered that when I start to feel really sick and it feels as though my stomach if full of boiling acid this is down to the fact I am stressed.  The more intense these physical symptoms the more stressed I am.  I never thought that stress affected me that much.  In fact it does a lot.  Not as much as when I worked in my last job, but it certainly is still there.

The reason I am telling you this is because I am feeling stressed.  I feel sick to the stomach and the acid is boiling slightly, just enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable.  I should write about it in my diary dedicated to this exploration.  The problem is I’ve packed it and it’s at my new place while I’m still in my old place.   So since I need to write this whilst I am living it the only place I can write it is on my blog.  To be transferred to my new diary once I’ve found it (and my coloured pens).

Event: My ladylady and I had an argument a month ago and she evicted me. That complete crippled me.  Within a few days I had found a new place.  A place which I will be really happy in.  A place where I have a lot of space, more space than I’ve ever had before.  Space which is all for my use, two rooms and a bathroom.  It’s mine to use.  I am so excited about moving there.  I think about the place and all I can do is smile.  From my windows all I see is fields and trees.  Not one manmade structure.  I have been wanting this for so long it’s unreal.  I have been unhappy in my current place even before the argument and I got evicted.  I just never felt comfortable, my landlady never cleaned.  There was dog hair everywhere.  There was mould all over the bathroom (which I can understand why it happens, but she never did anything about it).  She has this wonderful flat, one I would love to buy of her, but haven’t the money, and she just wastes it.  She’s not a bad individual but she wastes her life.  She works, and if she goes out it’s only to get as drunk as she can.  A lot of weekends she just sits and watches reality TV.  She doesn’t walk her dog all that well, five mins in the morning and five mins in the evening.  When I was looking after The Rat (she is a small dog and reminds me of a rat), I would go for 20-30 minute walks, she enjoyed them and I really did.  I spent my entire time in my small room because I felt uncomfortable around her, I felt uncomfortable if I watched something on the TV and she was around. Not that she said anything, but there was just this feeling (maybe I made it up).  When I had friends round, she stomped around as if she was a toddler having a tantrum but never said anything and made my friends feel uncomfortable.  It wasn’t a great place to live.  I have lived here for six months.  I had started looking for a place of my own, one that was clean and with people I would get on better with.  I had looked to living on my own but I couldn’t afford it.  Although I am going into a flat share, I have a level to myself.  This is the next best thing.  I am looking forward to it.

*Incidentally when I was flat hunting I went to S’s old home and met his old landlord.  It was really strange and we talked about S for an hour, made me late for a meeting.  If I had been two week earlier I could have looked at S’s old room.  I wonder if I would have taken it!*

So there is no love loss between myself or my landlady, and I’m not attached to my place of residence.  And yet I feel like I want to cry and I could crawl into a ball.

Physical Symptoms:

·         I feel sick

·         My stomach is churning

·         I feel tears intermediately well in my eyes but I’m not cried, or even leaked a tear

·         I am scared (I know this emotion because it’s what I feel when I see a spider)

·         There is something else, I don’t know how to describe it though.  It’s like there is doom on the horizon.  I don’t know how to describe it any more that that.

Thoughts: I’m not sure what thoughts are going through my head, I suppose because I’m trying not to let them escape me in case I completely freak out and end up in tears. I suppose when I finally attempt to sleep tonight thought will come to me.  I will need to try and remember as much as I can so that I can write them down. 

I know this is a good move for me, I know this is what I need and it will be fabulous.  To have that space, to be on my own.  I really can’t wait.  So do I not want tomorrow to arrive whilst at the same time wish I could fast forward 12 hours.

I don’t half contradict myself.

tags: newcope  feelings  therapy  freakout  personal