Following up the freak out.

I thought I would do a follow up about the freak out, and let people know how the move went.

The move went really well.  Mam and I spent Friday moving the items and boxes that we could move ourself.  This meant that man with the van, myself and my friend C could just load up on Saturday morning and away I would go.  Mam was totally gobsmaked with the new place.  Driving down the driveway she told me she was green with envy.  Didn't know what to say.  When she finally got to the area I was going to be living, she was amazed.  The space I have is emence to me, especially after what I have been used to in the past.  I have always flat shared and the only part that is mine to use is the room I have.  The rest is shared.  Which is no bad thing, but it does mean that you spend most of your time in your room.  It can be quite claustophobic.  Here however I have two rooms that are mine.  My bedroom and another room which I've got as a kitchen/dinner/front room (front room as in quiet room, I have books there).  My TV is in my bed room as that's where the airel is.  I also have my own bathroom.  I feel  like a child who has lived inland all her life and then is shown the sea.  It's so big that you just can't fathom it.  That's how I feel right now.

It was taken me a few days (a lot longer than my other moves) to unpack and find homes for everything.  I think it's taken me so long because of the amount of space I have.  Where's before I just had one room to unpack and sort out, and a few kitchen items.  By having three areas it seams to have taken a lot longer.

Now that I've moved, cleaned, placed everything I feel content.  Everything is great. This is the first time I've moved that I've not freaked out, that I've not had a panic attack and not ended up in floods of tears wanting to go back to my  mothers.  Although I did have a moment just before I  moved it wasn't as bad as it has been in the past.  Whilst taking to my mother about it she pointed out that in the past I have moved from places where I have felt safe, comfortable and part of things to somewhere that was new and unknown.  This time I have moved from a stressful situation, a place that I didn't really feel comfortable in and spending all my time in a small poxy room with all my belongings covered in Dog hairs.  I have moved into space and no stress. 

This has definately been a good move for me and I actually feel content, I feel positive towards my life and I feel that life is worth living and worth fighting for.  I know I can't stay like this forever but I love it.  I hope I can enjoy it for as long as possible.  I hope that I can hang on to this feeling when things get tough.

A wee while ago I went on a conference and the speaker was talking about joy in life.  Talking about find the joy out of all situations, good and bad.  I didn't understand what he was getting, finally after all my therapy and trying to change how I think I finally had that Eureka moment.  It's not about being happy 100% of the time but it's just about trying to be positive and finding the good even in the bad.  It's hard to explain but things have definately shifted and I am going to work hard at trying to keep it here.  Even when things get bad.

tags: counselling  personal  smile