follow up

It's been close to a week since I got high.  I've had time to think about it and try and work out why it happened. It's not like I'm in a chronic depressed stage, I'm not crying (although really stupid things do make me cry), I'm not hiding away from the world, I'm not moping etc however for the past little while I have done nothing but sit at home and do nothing.  I try and get into my writing, or computer games or something, anything and find that I can't because I have no interest in anything.

I did enjoy my holiday in Abu Dhabi, the sun, the heat, being around people, doing things.... I think in part that was a catalyst for what happened.  It reminded me just how much my life back in the UK sucked. I was just sitting in my room, remembering just how much I enjoyed my time in Abu Dhabi, how alive I felt.  Then I took a look at reality and I knew that there was nothing, absolutely nothing about my life currently that is worthwhile or makes me feel alive.

Not being suicidal, because I have a new job which I start on Wednesday which I am looking forward to there was only two other choices, cut myself or get high.  I chose get high because at least time becomes warped and things go quicker.  Also my brain stops, it stops thinking, and most of all stop feeling.

I don't write this to excuse myself for what I did.  I really shouldn't have done it, because now stopping again is even harder.  I write thing because I need to understand why I did what I did so that I can do something about it and to try and not put myself in that situation again.  By understanding myself more, to understand the way I think and what I feel, I can get all this self harming stuff under control and perhaps the nine months can become longer.  Who knows.

tags: depression  high  frustration  selfharm  understanding