Ding-a-ling

Last night I was determined not to spend it by myself.  I've spent the last two nights by myself and it's not been good for me, I dwell on what the lady said from the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team).  Then I get myself really worked up.  For instance on Tuesday I went for a three hour walk to try and calm down and all that happened was that I felt that I was going to pass out as the world started to swim in front of my eyes and the outside of my vision started going black.  Luckily there was a bench so I sat down until the world stopped swimming, this unfortunately was about 40 minutes later and the sun had sat.  Wednesday night I went out for a walk, only an hour because it was raining and my water proof wasn't so water proof!  I should have just gone out in what I was wearing and not bothered with a coat at all.  Never Mind.  I still enjoyed the walk and if it wasn't for the fact I was really cold I would have walked longer in the rain.  It was really good fun.  I then sat in my room, after a hot shower and putting my clothes in the washing machine, and brooded.  I tried to do other things but couldn't.  I also didn't feel comfortable knocking on The Boys door for company!  They have both said I can, but I just don't feel I can intrude like that.

Last night I was talking to The Boys when I got back and asked if anyone fancied going to the pub because I didn't want to spend more time on my own, I needed to get out the flat and do something.  So S and I went to the pub, whilst N stayed home.  S and I had a great time we always do.  I only drank to Malibu and Cokes, but because I haven't eaten in at least 30 hours they went straight to my head.  It wasn't good.  But last night I did discover that S had the hots for someone but he won't tell me who.  So annoying!  It's someone from work. He just won't tell me any more details.  Bastard.  I could have done with a good gossip.  Well he didn't tell me there was someone as such, he just said 'there is always a twinkle in ones eye'.  I just wish I knew who it was.  Then again I'm not sure I could cope with seeing him with someone else.  S and I both agreed however that the two of us were very independent and that we didn't want that yet.  Except with him, I could quite happily loose some of my independence.  It's not like we see each other that often anyway.  Although living with someone, as flat mates, and dating them especially when there is a third party in the flat would not be a good things.  Besides with everything that's going on at the moment with me, it's unfair for me to put anyone through that.  S also is talking of moving back to London, not something I would particularly want to do either.  However if he moved to Canada, I'd go with him.  N has also talked about moving out as he's board with what he's got and wants a new challenge.  I hope they don't, I like the way things feel at the moment.  I'd miss S terribly if he moved out.  I'd miss N as well but not in the same way.

Last night S and I also played pool.  God do I suck at that game.  However S didn't once seven ball me which was great, but I got the feeling he was delebriatly missing shots so I wouldn't feel so bad.  Which although very sweet, pissed me off!  I did get quite drunk last night and this morning didn't feel fantastic! Although I'm feeling a lot better now.  I wish I could tell S how I feel. 

tags: flatmates  feelings  love  

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