Chicken

S moved out Saturday morning, and I wanted to be brave, I wanted to be there to help him out, and to see him off.  I couldn't though, it hurt too much.  I wanted to ask him to stay, I wanted him to change his mind.  I just didn't want him to go.  So on Friday night I went home to my mothers.  Although he had a friend there, when my mother asked me if I was okay I couldn't stop myself and I cried.  I hate crying in front of my mother.  I was just hurting so much.  A long with the job not going so well Friday night was just really hard.  I didn't stop crying for most of the night.  Me Mam berated me a few time, but all I wanted was S to take me in his arms and tell me that he did love me and he wanted to give 'us' a go.  I know this is dreamland but it's what I really want. 

A break through did happen though.  On Saturday I was talking to Mam, and she asked me if I had concidered counselling.  This is a big thing for her as she's always made us feel as though you've failed if you go to counselling, I said it didn't work.  Then she asked if I thought about professional.  It was then that I told her about CMHT, my CPN and my CAT.  The one thing I didn't talk about was the self-harming.  I just want to see how this runs before I drop the self harming on her.  We talked a fair bit about it, and she told me that I should have told her about it sooner.  So I told her that she wasn't the easiest person in the world to talk to sometimes.  Sometimes she makes us feel like failers.  So she said that as long as I carried on talking she would learn to listen.

I'm now back at a very empty flat.  S's bike has gone, all his stuff has gone.  I stood in his empty room for ten minutes just smelling him.  Although it has felt I've lived in this flat on my own for quite a while, now that I finally am, I hate it.  I wish there was someone else here, even if I don't talk to them.  More than anything I wish S was here.  I really want to call him and see how he's doing but I'm not going to.  I want to see how long it is before he contacts me, although I have a feeling if I don't make the effort I'd never hear from him again.

One thing I want to work out though is what that smell is in his room, so I can buy it and when I need a little comfort I can just smell him... is that really sad!  I suppose I'm just not ready to let him go just yet.  I almost feel like he's died.  I just want him back. 

tags: flatmate  silly  family  counselling  cmht