blogging

I know I don't blog as much as I used to do.  I try and keep up with Seven things Friday and use that to be as positive as I can.  However I really need to talk to someone, I need to work things out and I just can't do it myself, and I'm not sure I trust anyone enough in my new location to do anything about it.

For the first time ever, and I have said this before, I have a personal life.  I actually go out and do things.  Sometimes I struggle to find time for things I want to do, especially now that my insomnia seams to be disappearing.  

I have discovered that sleep is very dangerous for me.  The more I sleep the more I don't want to get up and I don't want to live my life.  I just want to sleep.  I never want to wake up or engage with the world around me.  I just want to sleep and stay in the Land of Dreaming.  I don't want reality.  This actually does scare me, especially since most days I have no reason to get up out of bed and work.  I only get out of bed or attend things out of a sense of duty, not because I want to.  I spend a lot of my time arranging things so that I will actually get my backside out of bed. I have such a strong sense of duty I think that's the only reason why I have got through most of my life.  I hate letting people down and will go over the call of duty to help people out.

Work is driving me crazy.  Not helped by the fact I would really like to just sleep all the time.  I went to a meeting tonight, a meeting that had been re-arranged just so I could attend.  It was a complete waste of bloody times.  I sat there, trying to keep my hyperactivity under control.  My Predasessor (T) always being mentioned to do stuff, in places where it's my job to do things.  I had a run in with a priest who doesn't believe that policies and procedures are important and wants me to put my career at risk, I'm not accomplishing anything in work.  I want a job that challenges me, I want a job that people take me seriously, I want a job that I can put some passion into me.  I keep telling people that it's getting better and better but it's really not.  I hate my job. I miss my old job, desperately miss my old job.  I miss the work load, I miss the people.  I'd even take the pay cut if I could just have my job back.  I hate the fact that T is around and people keep looking towards him to do work and he takes it on.  He won't point people in my direction he'll just take on the work.  I know he does this from little tid bits I've learnt but I can't actually prove any of this.  

Therapy is driving me crazy.  It's not what I thought it would be.  I thought we would talk, trying to work out how I became the person I have become but that's not really what it's been about.  It's been about trying to identify what triggers the bad side of me and trying to find ways away from that.  The biggest problem I have though is that I have spent so many years denying emotions I don't know how to recognise them, nor do I know what their names are when I do realise that something is brewing inside me.  I have no reference for any of this.  I have three sessions left and I still don't know any of this but we have come up with some ideas of how I can start working on this.  So I can name emotions.  I will never stop being depressed, I will never stop self harming or getting high, but I hope in time I will do it less and less.  I also hope one day I can tell my mother and my sister all of this.

 My landlady evicted me because we had an arguement.  The basis being it's her way or the highway... I didn't agree so I got given the highway.  However my new place is so much better.  I have my own bathroom (although I have no shower but can use the shower one level down), two big rooms (both bigger than my current bedroom, over twice the size), a small kitchenette (but can use the main kichen occationally), plus the use of an acer and a half garden with a orchard and I can build a pen for Toska so he can go outside and be safe on nice hot days.  Plenty of parking.  I can't wait to move.  I wish I could move tomorrow but I can't.  So role on the 20th.  The only downside is that public transport sucks so it'll be harder to get into central london.  I'd have to get a taxi to a decent station.  But them be the breaks.  I'll be living as a lodger but with plenty of my own space.  It'll be like living on my own which is what I really wanted but couldn't afford to do.  I'm so excited.

I've been watching tonnes of star trek lately thanks to Virgin1.  They are really liking all star treks lately and showing all baring The Original Series so I'm in heaven. 

So as you can see some things are going well, some things are not.  I am hoping that I will attempt to blog a bit more and explore emotions and how i'm feeling and what it is I'm feeling even if it's just how my body changes.

I am auditioning on Sunday for the next play.... I'm auditioning for the lead 'Calamity Jane'.  I'm terrified.  I'm still desperately trying to learn things.  There are ten of us going for it so I'd very much doubt I'll get it but it'll be fun to try.

I found a wonderful reptile shop near where I live and am looking for a friend for Toska.  At the moment though the tortoise they have are about a quater of the size of Toska and I don't want him to hurt any of them.  So they are going to see what they can do to help me out. I would really like a friend for Toska.

So that's my update.  Hope all my friends are doing well.

tags: depression  family  flatmate  life  random  selfharm  tortoise  toska  update