alcohol is my friend

I have been drinking since noon.  Life is crazy.  I can't stop thinking about him.  It's not his fault and I know it's not, however I can't bring myself to not hate him.  He's done nothing to me, but I hate him, I hate him so much.  I want to hurt him so much.  I want to scream and shout at him. I want to destroy him.  For something that is not his fault and it's not fair of me to make him feel bad.  I'm glad he's not here to see the mess that I'm in.  I can't believe, that me of all people, could allow anyone to make me feel like this.  I am the lone ranger, I am a solo artist, I keep my own consel, I don't do relationships, I can barely do friendships let alone relationships. There are days I wish I had never met him. There are days I wish I was vulcan so I didn't have to feel like this.  I hope my time in New Zealand will help me to iradicate all these feelings and that I can start to live my life and not in this limbo I seam to be in.  I want my life back to how it was when he first moved in.  I was vaguley happy then, probably the happiest I had ever been in my life. I want that back. I don't want to be like this any more but I don't know how.  I hope that the holiday and the move will help.

Being in this flat is not doing me any favours, everything reminds me of him.  I want to call him, tell him how much I miss him, how much I wish he was here, but I'm not drunk enough to do that. My head is still being too sensible.  Besides he's already scared of me.  I don't want him to be any more afraid of me.

I'n going to keep drinking u ntil I pass out, I do't wnat to remember him right now, I don't want to see anything that reminds me of him.  the only way that happens is if I sleep. Unfortuantly I can't sleep naturally. I need pills. Nytol as I can't get any prescription sleeping pills. I want him out of my head. 

tags: depression  hate