2008/9

Christmas this year was meant to be about the family spending time together, enjoying each other’s company.  Well that wasn’t to be.  Talk turned to my Sister’s wedding when ever she could manage it.  It’s not that I begrudge her of her wedding talk but that is ALL that she can talk about.  It’s like she’s forgotten that other things happen within the world.  It’s not like I have anything positive to tell her about what’s going on with me but I’m just sick to death of the fact that is all she can talk about.  We played a number of games on Christmas day, between lunch and dessert and we all drank a fair amount.  All in all it was enjoyable.  Unfortunately the day’s after were boring as Mam just slept (and she’s been in a crabby mood for ages, and I know why but it still bugs me), and my sister and her other half just did their thing of disappearing into their room and not seeing  or talking to anyone else.  BORING!  Honestly I might as well have done home and spent a couple of days at my flat doing stuff rather than being bored out of my brain! 

Whilst in NZ I met someone who almost looked like S, but it was more than looking like S, he had the same mannerisms, they talked to same, they walked the same, it was amazing.  It just brought all my feelings back and I started to try and project them on to this guy, luckily we were not around each other all that long, but he did make it tougher.  I miss S and I hate myself because there are times I feel that that boy played me and used me, but there are times I believe I did the same to him.  I tried to manipulate him in so many ways.  Then I got angry at him because he didn’t feel the same as me.  That’s very unfair of me.  Totally unfair of me.  I’m hoping if I am sensible between now and May, S and I can go and see the new Star Trek films together.

I move out of my flat on Sat, and I struggled about how I was going to move my stuff as my mother didn’t want to drive a van, and vans hiring companies closed at 12noon on Saturday’s, and that was not enough time for me to move and take the van back.  So I text S and asked if he and his brother (with his fleet of vans) would help me move, unfortunately they are in Spain until the 4^th.  So I got a company to help me, that way Mam and I won’t need to fight, and she won’t need to come with me.  The problem is I don’t want to do this alone because I keep crying.  I thought I was fine with it, but seeing all my stuff in boxes piling high outside my room and it’s finally got to me.  I keep crying.  I don’t want to.  I really don’t but I can’t seem to stop myself.  I wish there was someone here to hold me as this happens to me, but I suppose like everything else in my life, I am alone.

So a round up of 2008 (the positives):
- I asked a guy out and got rejected
- I went on a date
- I started to really use the help available to me to sort out my mental health
- I started a new job
- I had a holiday of a life time in NZ
- I sent my first Valentines card
- I’ve become more accepting of my mental health and my ‘coping strategies’
- I attended the Geoff Show Podcast
- I discovered that trust isn’t such a bad thing
- A possible new life change
- I went away for my birthday
- Went to Cadbury’s World

I hope that 2009 will be different and that I can be more positive and that I can finally arrange an appointment with the CAT team that I can attend (I’ve had two, the first one was the day I arrived back from NZ, and the other one was the one day in Jan I couldn’t do).

So here is to 2009 and all that it will hold…. Here I come running in head long!

tags: review  positive  personal  life  holiday  freakout  flatmate  depression  counselling